Addiction also defined as:
Ritual comfort seeking
I listened a podcast that highlighted Laura McKowen’s work on understanding underlying reasons for addiction or abuse disorders, or things we struggle with, in our path to healing, or for some, sobriety.
It was helpful, the ways that she helped us center ourselves to remember that—
We all have a “thing.”
Some vices and methods of disassociation are seen as more acceptable, useful, and seem healthier than others—workaholism or obsessiveness about areas of cleanliness, ritual or routine, exercise, fitness or nutrition. Perhaps they are not great, these compulsions or obsessions, but they are also not seen as quite as bad as others—shopping .
But, ultimately, we all have predispositions towards unhealthy behaviors or ways of coping, seeking comfort, through rituals, as a means of trying to get through life and the day.
For my father, it was beer and cigarettes and tobacco.
For my mother it was chain smoking and constantly hydrating her body the sugary, caffeinated Pepsi, consuming it as we should water.
Others overeat, gamble, have a lot of sex, or are constantly within relationships and emotionally depend on others; that’s their ‘addiction’. Some smoke a lot of pot, or otherwise numb out with other drugs.
Addictions, she notes, are simply these amplified behaviors. And that—we are not immune from developing them, “things” or unhealthy coping mechanisms. It is true that those who come from families with addicts are more likely to develop these behaviors, or struggle with a different type of addiction throughout their lives.
But, we’re all capable of developing them. In fact, we are all capable of much, much worse than we ever thought possible, in many ways. To ourselves, and towards others. Refreshingly, however, we’re also capable of much more ‘goodness’ than we may ever realize or think possible as well. That’s the paradox of humanity.
But, I like the notion that we all can become amplified:
It reminds me of that quote from Susanna Kaysen’s book, Girl, Interrupted. “Maybe crazy is…just you or me, amplified.” The same applies with addiction or abuse disorders or compulsive, obsessive behaviors.
This isn’t to let anyone off the hook. But, to keep us humble about our tendencies self soothe and address pain. It is difficult for me to hear others chalk up addiction and mental illnesses as weaknesses of character when my family members have been affected by them and I know so many others afflicted as well. It’s so limited, arrogant, dismissive and from such a place of privilege and judgment.
That isn’t to say that we are off the hook from addressing the roots, the wounds, of why we have these behaviors. That’s the work. However, that is why I especially appreciated the list of McKowen’s that we need to understand about our “thing.”
We all have “things” to work on. Maybe we don’t call them addictions or abuse, but weaknesses or “our damage.” But they are the work that we need to do, to become healthier.
The Nine Truths List includes:
1-It is not your fault.
2-It is your responsibility.
3-It is unfair that this is your thing.
4-This is your thing.
5-This will never stop being your thing until you face it.
6-You can’t do it alone.
7-Only you can do it.
8-I love you.
9-I will not stop reminding you of these things.
These are wise words and helpful things to remember, regardless of whatever your “thing” is.
