All for a purpose

A twist on "Everything happens for a reason"

I’ve written before about my —at points— enraged, visceral reaction when I hear people vomit up the trite platitudes such as, “Everything happens for a reason.”

The people who say this are blinded by their distinct privilege that their family members have not shot themselves.

It’s harsh, but it’s the truth.

I don’t care your religious zeal; if you have suicides in your family, you do not think it was part of God’s plan. That it was providential and “meant to be.”

(If you do, that’s fucked up.)

However, I do believe that God, or the Divine Creator or the Universe, however you think of it, can also manifest amazing growth and healing and revolution from a colossal shitshow.

As I finished Alex Elle’s book on healing (and meditations and journaling prompts), I reflected on this statement:

“Everything I went through is purposeful and necessary.”

I think about my previous relationship. I consider how true this is for me.

I think about what I learned from my mother, took stock of my my own internalized feelings of (low) self worth, and how I needed to grow and evolve from that to be a woman of higher self worth in this patriarchal, white supremacist society.

Falling head first, and having my relationship crash and burn through cataclysmic betrayal was awful, but it also taught me a lot.

Since I allowed it to…

One of the things, as I mentioned in the previous post, is that I believe myself worth it now. And I recognize that some are completely unwilling to work on themselves.

That is not acceptable to me. My growth gain is intense. It has had to be. It has been the ticket to my survival.

As I think about a future relationship, one thing is for certain:

I will require that my partner is dedicated to self growth, which requires, no—demands, a healthy degree of humility. In order for us to grow and evolve, to deal with our junk, we need to be honest about our own baggage and limitations. Some of it is our fault; some of it is what we have inherited.

But the healing work is our responsibility, even if we are not the cause of the dysfunction and the trauma.

I am no longer willing to be with someone—not matter how much I am attracted to them or how kind and intelligent and driven they are—if they are not actively dedicated to growth over ego, if their overblown confidence and arrogance takes precedence over their own self evolution.

I understand that this will come up against the male ego, and quite often.

So be it.

If there is one thing I have learned this year, from these experiences and the support of my friends, it is this—

I am worth the wait. Not to settle for less than I deserve.

I also believe that being single is not to be alone. Feeling alone in a relationship is even worse. I experienced that, for many years.

If I need to wait for that in a man, because—unfortunately, I am straight, I will do so.

I will not settle. I will require more before engaging.

I have demanded a lot more of myself in recent months. I have held myself accountable. And I delivered, despite all the shit that has happened to me, that I could not control.

I have risen to the occasion and found myself a hell of a lot more resilient than I gave myself credit for, even after the suicides and multiple deaths and losses.

Therefore, I will no longer accept excuses from a partner who is unwilling to do the same.

If that is “the purpose” to gain from this, I am happy with it.

I think it’s a damn good one.