All the Unsafe Spaces for Those with Narcissistic Mothers
Try Not To Be One
I know that I write a lot on narcissist abuse, but it’s not entirely because of my own experiences.
I have seen others lives destroyed by narcissistic abuse and I’ve gotten a front row seat to the collateral damage they cause.
And it runs incredibly deep.
Remember - narcissists are also parents, their children, their spouses, they’re long-term spouses.
Let’s get more specific -
Sometimes they’re even mothers.
That’s a hard one, I think for many of us to sit with because it’s pretty inconceivable that a mother could exhibit that sort of level of cruelty to a child that is narcissistic abuse.
Humans are obviously very selfish, ego-filled people.
But I think the closest we come or ought to come is often through the roles of the unconditional love of a parent, especially (and more often) the mother.
Of course, perhaps I am biased. Because I had a great one.
My mother did not.
But - my dear friend also does not. Worse, she’s a narc.
But as someone who has lived through the shocking and grappling experience of what it is to understand what a narcissist is really capable of, and to have re-orient your entire way of thinking about them —and about people, that they really could be this way - how they view the world - how they always viewed you and your relationship, as transactional, as in, what they could gain from them- and all the times that you granted them the benefit of the doubt that you then have to go back and re-evaluate -
For me, that was 4 years, of abuse. Of gradually and systemically dwindling down my sense of self-worth.
I can’t imagine being raised by someone like that.
And here’s the thing -
Many, many people can’t.
Moreover, they simply can’t/won’t go there.
One of the shittiest things that narcissists do is that they gas-light people, which means to cause them deny them their senses of realities. (Because it happens so often, over time.) So, gradually the narc abused one calls into question their own sanity and perspective on things.
But, here’s the other thing -
Many well-intentioned people also regularly hurt and gaslight narcissists—
“Oh, they’re not really that bad.”
“Oh, they’re damaged. They’re doing the best they can.”
“Oh, but they’re your mother. Of course she just wants the best for you.”
“That’s just how she was raised but she loves you.”
“Well, at least they weren’t addicts who beat you.”
And all the many, many other dismissals.
So, they get more gaslighting, dismissing their experiences.
Because these people listening to them are undoubtedly thinking of their own mothers or how they operate as a parent.
Also, it is because they simply cannot grasp that someone would be like that, much less a mother.
And, I’ll admit, it is pretty damn shocking.
But that’s doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
I know that people are narcissists and can behave like this - but when I hear the stories that emerge from my dearest friend, I scarce can believe it myself sometimes. And I’ve been hearing them for awhile. I know who her mother is and what she is capable of.
The difference is - I believe her experiences and abuse.
But - and this is the critically important takeaway -
You really can’t know what another person’s relationship with _____ is like.
You have no idea of the intricacies of that relationship or if that parent really is what you’re saying about them as you dismiss this other person’s account.
You’re projecting your own lived experiences onto this person.
And, in doing so, you are - at best - further gaslighting them, which harms them.
But, at worst - you’re further shaming and invalidating them. That can be deeply traumatized, as it exacerbates and further their shame. And they may retreat back into their shame-bubble existence.
You may have done the worst possible thing for them, because they were looking for someone to bear witness to the abuse that they have lived through.
They have spent so much of their lives desperately trying to understand why their mental and emotional health constantly feels stable, walking on eggshells, and why they don’t trust themselves, why conversations with this person always feel so turbulent, and they blame themselves.
So, then, they seek out safe spaces, finally, and they are further clobbered — that’s really sad, and really, really shitty.
This is why it is vitally important to be aware that we often further deeply narcissistic abuse survivors without even realizing it.
Simply because we cannot even imagine that level of malignant and malicious behavior.
On the one hand, again, it took me awhile too. And I lived through it.
But as my friend told me of yet another person who gaslight her and my heart broke for her, because she’s finally opening up and sharing her story after so many years of always telling a modified version which gave the mother far, far too much credit.
And she opens up or reaches out to someone -
And she hears this kind of bullshit in response -
They don’t understand that even in sharing this one anecdote or even the most horrible experience, it’s never just this one, it’s not isolated.
These events are a constant blur or everyday recurring emotional abuse.
This is why they end up with cPTSD, complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, with brain damage.
Friends, I implore you -
Please be very careful in responding with platitudes or with some dismissal way of covering up for another’s bad behavior - even when it’s a parent or a mother.
I know it’s deeply disturbing and downright shocking -
But some people don’t have altruistic mothers and they have a desperate need to share their experience with others, to listen to them and witness what they’ve lived through. It may be for the first time, or even second - they’re fighting to survive.
We are healed and shame is reduced when stories and secrets are told in safe spaces.
Try to be a safe space. Even if you don’t understand.
People are usually the experts on their own experiences.
Let them be. (Mel Robbins).