Alone but not lonely

Single but loved and full of self love

Photo by Tiphanie LAMBERT on Unsplash

It has taken quite a long time - I’m middle-aged now, but I finally understand and appreciate the phrase “with myself.”

For several years, since the catastrophic break up with my ex-the narc-I wanted to be able to be alone.

I think even before I met him and dated for several years after my divorce, I still wanted to feel with myself, I know that that is what I was desperately searching for with companionship.

I had frequently heard the phrase: I am not alone, not lonely. I am not all alone but I am with myself.

And I envied those who really felt like that.

It was what I was working towards but I wasn’t there yet.

I am finally there.

I spend so much time with alone, or with my books.

And I enjoy it.

My neighbors and other older women frequently ask me - is someone going with you? or Did you go to the movies all by yourself? Or travel by yourself or go out to eat by yourself?

I just smile and say yes, all by myself.

I can be a big girl and do things all be myself. :)

And I can enjoy my own company and the company of characters and other memoirs of people who I will never meet.

And you know what?

It’s a lot more peaceful and calm. It’s serene.

I can finally enjoy other’s company without using them as a regulation for my own emotional well being and self worth.

I function on my own.

And the more I’ve done that—the more I heal, the less and less I find that I actually want to be around people. I don’t covet others and their large and extended families, marriages and children any more.

In fact, I quite enjoy my life. It’s taken a while. But I am content with existence. No longer desperate to escape, to self-medicate, to try to distract myself and be with others even when they’re absolutely terrible company.

I am happy alone.

This healing stuff is pretty awesome.

Thank God.