Anger:
Our unmet needs and preservation of our self worth
Women are taught that we are not supposed to get angry. Or, at least, to show it, externally. Both when being raised as, little girls and in life—both in the workforce and through motherhood.
I have been thinking about this, today I listened to a podcast. And while the topic focused on “Mom Rage,” which is totally justified, the conversation extended far beyond that, to the important point—
Our anger exists for a purpose. It is a visceral response and it exists because:
1-Our needs are not being met.
and/or
2-It is a preservation of our self worth.
This is validating to hear. Because so many women are taught that we are not to express our anger.
All women, but even more challenging for women of color. There is a reason why we have the stereotype and shaming trope of the “angry black woman.”
It is much easier and more acceptable to express anger as a white man in this patriarchal and white-supremacist society.
I think about this as I reflect on the ways in which my narcissist ex used my trauma against me. When it came out as panic and anger because of desperation and shock, and ultimately, responding to unmet needs and his lack of support of me. He would try to use my anger against me, as though I had reason to be angry at life, or at him, a way of him to evade accountability, which is a telltale trait of a narcissist.
Labeling me as the one who is [always] angry was the red herring.
It’s very curious the ways in which men and our society condone angry outbursts as “not anger,” because… men aren’t emotional right?
Our patriarchal society has rebranded anger to not exist as an emotion, at least for them, when they feel it or want to, need to, show it.
I think about a friend of mine who would grow so hurt after being gaslit by her husband that she would raise her voice. He would say he wasn’t angry, out of control, somehow better or more justified, simply because he wasn’t the one yelling.
Unmet needs. Hurt. Angry because we are desperately trying to find our voices, sticking up for our own self worth.
I grew up in a household that did not manage anger well. My mother grew silent and gave everyone the silent treatment for days. My father would scream and swear.
But anger is not to be avoided altogether. It is a perfectly healthy emotion.
Lest we forget that it tells us things, if we pay attention to it.
It’s integral to understanding both ourselves and our relationships.
