Compassion, Empathy, and Sympathy

the holy tri-fecta

I read something today that made me think about these nouns, all so strongly associated with emotions and with each other.

And yet, with some important distinctions…

I am a Rhetorician, so I think a great deal about word meanings—definitions, associations, overlaps, etc. I educate my students to do the same and I am usually that person in the faculty meaning that says—okay, but what do we really mean by critical thinking? How do we know we are all on the same page here and perhaps we need to talk about it?

I have heard/known of the distinctions between empathy and sympathy for years.

It first was framed to me as empathy was the capacity to feel/have experienced the same thing as someone and then, sympathy was only a sort of well meaning, but perhaps unrelatable understanding of another’s pain and experience. It dabbles into pity sometimes.

However, in this morning’s e-mail from Communal Commusings, they also mentioned Compassion.

Compassion was defined as to be in suffering with another.

A few things came to mind when I thought about this—

The first is the Bahasa Indonesia phrase that I love so much, that they use when someone passed away.

They use either: “Turut berduka cita” or “Ikut berduka cita.”

They literally mean that “I follow in your grieving.”

(How much better is that then “I’m sorry?” Ugh, English.)

Another memory came to mind:

I am struggling with my narcissistic ex and trying to get him to understand how I’m feeling, my trauma and and depression, after all the deaths. I am explaining to him to try to see/get him to display some emotional maturity and feeling.

(Yeah, yeah—I know now—duh.)

He responded to me:

“See that’s your problem. You want me to suffer with you.”

Now…I take a step back and analyze this.

At the time, of course it hurt.

But now—I see what was happening. Yes, he was insensitive.

But I was/am also an empath and my way of resolving arguments and misunderstandings is to be understood. I will try to explain myself for hours in the hopes of being understood, to resolve and achieving mutuality with a partner.

But also—What happened here was a lack of desire as well as an inability for him to feel or want to feel compassion.

(Yes, I clearly was with the wrong person.)

But what strikes me is this—you really can’t explain empathy and compassion to someone who has no capacity to feel those things. Who doesn’t want to. Who is more interested in themselves. For those who resists feeling those things because they that would demand accountability and emotional maturity that they both evade and do not have….when their M.O. is ego-driven motives of self-glorification and delusions of grandeur.

My current partner—intelligent, empathetic and a wonderful listener— has listened to my stories of emotional abuse recovery and the performances and lies and drama my ex-created and says, “I just don’t understand that. And them. From what you’ve read—why do all of that? Why isn’t that much more work than just to be honest with yourself and your partner? And end it and move on?”

A-fucking-men.

When I explain my thoughts and experiences to my partner now who responds with: Your education and career mean a lot to you so they’re important to me. You worked hard for them and they helped you rise above where you come from. So I too take your career seriously and want you to feel fulfilled in that way. (Though I make a mere fraction of what he does.) I get emotional and thank him.

And he says, “Well….isn’t that just empathy? For your partner’s experience and their work and what’s important to them?”

Sigh.

Yeah, you know. You would think so. You would really hope so.

(My best friend, Holly said—I’m sorry that because of your mistreatment that this response seems so novel to you.)

It’s true—I do, I process a lot of what I endured with a narcissist.

And it’s not because I pine for him or any such nonsense. That only took a few months. I am so much happier removed from my life. So much healthier. My heart has healed from loving him because he can’t love like a normal person.

But, as I read, and it’s true—a narcissist doesn’t just break your heart, but through the emotional abuse, they break your spirit.

The way I understand and move forward—as I did with the suicides—is to read and think and learn and research and process.

I have many moments, thinking about how he acted at some pivotal times, when you would really need a partner, like at my mother’s funeral. I consider things he did or said, where I think—What an as*$&!%.”

Mostly though, my closure and reflections always circle back to this—

I will never be able to understand these people….some people’s actions and behavior.

Sympathy, Empathy, and Compassion come easy for me.

I don’t need to have them explained to me.

I don’t need remedial emotional intelligence 101.

I have amazing friends/my chosen family, and a few awesome family members and now, a loving partner who gets me—my intuitive, sensitive, empathetic nature and can display that to me as well.

I am blessed. Thankful.

And the garden of support that I’ve cultivated, they treasure me and safeguard me, they honor my ‘marshmallow heart’ (as a former doctoral mate once told me that I had had), rather than using me, and using my heart and generosity to benefit them, stroking their own ego, making their lives easier with childcare, etc.

I grieved because I love.

But because I grieved and know how to love, and know how/allow myself to feel for self and others—

I can/do/will/am able to—

love again.