Discerning Vocation

Suicide Prevention, Mental Health Advocacy & Mental Illness De-Stigmatization

A group of fellow faculty members and I are reading this book entitled, Living Vocationally: The Journey of the Called Life, by Paul J. Wadell and Charles R. Pinches.

The most recent chapter, “Discerning our Callings,” gave me pause when I read this:

“Vocational discernment must be attentive to the needs of the world indicates that our callings come from outside us as much or more than from within us….

Many callings are best understood not as things we choose, but as needs that present themselves, needs that evoke in us a sense of responsibility from which we cannot turn away. “(p. 125)

This spoke to me, deeply.

Because I certainly did not agree to this, choosing that suicide would be such a defining part of my life. I did not decide that 50% of my immediate family would die by suicide.

Growing up, of course, I felt great sympathy for others who had had experienced suicide, both those who had chosen that path and for the bereaved. I do have capacity to feel deeply and I felt great sadness that people could be so desperate to take their own lives. I felt sad for my high school classmate whose father died in this way, witnessing how it left him with deep grief and heaviness.

Never, however, did I think that this method—death at one’s own hand—would shape the story of me and of my family. Never did I consider that suicide would influence me so much.

But it did. It has.

And I spent a lot of hours in therapy discussing this—to what extent this part of my family does and should impact me.

It has been an arduous journey, but I have gotten to the point where I own it. I claim that this is part of my story. Not the only part. Not the main part, but an important one.

I take responsibility for it.

And, as I said in a previous post, my deepest desire is to “spin [all] this shit into gold.”

I consider myself blessed because I am a survivor. I am thankful that I did not join my family members in their exit strategies. Moreover, I am thankful that my quality of life is better.

Looking at my journey now, I consider all the help and support that I received, everything along my path that has allowed me to avoid that end destination, but also to live differently.

I have learned and been taught things that have helped me to embark on a different route that will…not guarantee, but be more likely to make the conclusion of my story very, very different than that of my father’s my brother’s, and even my mother’s.

And now, I want to take responsibility for this survivorship—that I have suffered and endured, persevered and survived, and to turn it outward.

I can see, I have witnessed, the connections between mental illness and stigmatization of it, with depression and suicide. I see the great need and suffering that exists with people.

And I want to, as the above quote suggests, to take responsibility, that I have been dealt this unique hand in the game of life. And that from it, I want to recognize the needs of others and to use my embodied experiences here for greater good. I want to help other survivors in their journey. I want to advocate and raise awareness for mental illness de-stigmatization. I want to serve and educate and help with suicide prevention.

To take this situation that has been presented to be, and to use it to work for a greater good.

I see this as both discernment and the answering of my calling.

Spinning this shit into gold.

Taking the lemons and making this fucking lemonade.

Finding the silver lining amidst this suicide hurricane shitshow.

Whichever…