Emotional Sobriety-

the hardest journey in the evolution of self

Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Unsplash

Emotional Sobriety is a tall order -

Sobriety, for many, denotes free from substances; a lot of times people immediately go to chemical dependencies in their mind when you hear ‘sober’.

Now, over two years sober, my recovery journey is now geared toward emotional sobriety.

And emotional sobriety involves not being dependent on others to meet my needs. And not being hurt or defensive, prideful or shutting down when they don’t. When I endlessly demand those things of others, to fulfill what I need, to calm me emotionally, at any and all times - to be at my beck and call - then I am not being emotionally sober. Others will fail me. And in the expectation of expecting and demanding that of others, they fail me. It’s a trap.

And I used to be that way. I had been that way for a long time.

I am re-reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, All the Way to the River. In the is book, she talks about her own journey with love and sex addiction.

Again, too often the ‘sex’ part is one that gains the attention there, because it’s a bolder and flashier word. And because we’re a culture obsessed with sex. Perhaps a humanity.

But the love and relationships part of that is just as important.

Because you can use people and be a love and relationship addict without being obsessed with sex or only getting your fix from sexual relationships or romantic partners.

In the book, and I’ve heard it said before, that many people in 12 step and recovery rooms think we have more than one addiction.

I’ve heard others say that—at the heart—many addicts, those who become alcoholic or drug addicts, we are in need of love, community, and connection.

And, it has been said, and I wholeheartedly believe, that the opposite of addiction is connection.

Most addicts isolate; we wallow in our hurt, our suffering, our loneliness, our lack of community and people.

There is a reason why we are encouraged to get involved in community and stay connected when getting sober and in recovery.

But - the tricky part of that is this - while we are asked to do this - and to be honest about our disease, sharing our inventory of ourselves and our personal harms done to ourselves and others, so we’re not festering shame -

We also have to be careful with our relationships and emotional dependencies.

As a recovering alcoholic, we deal with the substance sobriety first.

However, as we often say, the drinking (or the using) is only a symptom of our problem.

Our problem is thinking, but it’s also a belief that we are separate from others, and, paradoxically, emotional dependencies on others.

I think it’s interesting because, in the stigma of addiction, many others with more benign addictions believe they aren’t as bad off as others.

I know I felt this way. In fact, I purposely avoided men on dating apps who labeled themselves as sober.

Ironically, now, I would—cautiously, and with questions, wanting to know their program and story—see that a sober man and one in recovery could be a much better choice - having done work on himself. There is a depth and emotionally maturity that comes with working the program and doing the 12 steps.

But, I digress - my point is this -

Many of us have dependencies on others to meet our emotional needs. To unhealthy extremes.

In Love and Sex Addicts, they call it LAVA -

Love

Approval

Validation

Acceptance

And the addicts are driven by this.

I know I have been driven by this. In sexual relationships but also in friendship, service to others in my profession, and in all other relationships.

Love me. Approve of me. Validate me.

I was raised in a home where I did not get my emotional needs met. I emerged as the hero role in the alcoholic family and learned/absorbed much from my kind-hearted but co-dependent mother.

Evaluating whether we’re driven by LAVA is so important - emotional sobriety is fundamental to being healthy and not using others.

And for those of us who crave it, who need it, to thrive, to feel like we have worth -in the past or now, we are the ones who need to be careful, to pursue emotional sobriety.

Some may call themselves addicts.

But I believe this phenomenon goes by other titles too.

Many women call ourselves ‘people pleasers’.

Approval. Validation.

It swims in the same murky waters. Perhaps we addicts have just ventured to the deep end or the place in the river where the current and riptides are more dangerous.

But, it’s the same -

Pleading, desperately - Tell me / show me I’m worthy.

I need it ourselves of me, because I can’t do it for myself.

I don’t trust a higher power to do it for me.

-or-

Let me do something to prove I’m worthy. To serve you, to be good to you, for you, to show up for you.

I struggle with this because -

Like my mother, I like to do things for others and give them gifts. So, where’s the balance of healthy giving and unhealthy validation seeking from that role?

In recovery, we are encouraged to get out of our own ego/selfishness and self-obsession to center, consider, love and serve others.

Yes, and -

Yes, but -

That’s rendered void when you’re doing it to use others.

The shell can look good and shiny, but you can still be doing it for the wrong reasons, for your own validation.

And when you’re doing it to distract or deflect from sitting with yourself. Or learning how to. Or being with God.

When you’re looking to others to fill you up so you don’t have to sit with your emotions or do the tough emotional homework of being and staying emotional sober.

I have used people for far, far longer in this way than I ever used alcohol to numb out or escape.

Alcohol abuse over a period of time just took me down, to my rock bottom, so I would be made to have to address that, and then could grow to understand this -

My unhealthy dependencies on people, places and things.

Then began the much tougher work of emotional sobriety.

It’s funny because so many of us acknowledge that we thought we would never be able to stop drinking. Could scarce imagine a life without alcohol.

And yet, ironically, it is the thinking and existing and feeling and being emotionally sober journey - the hard work of recovery from what drove you to that point of excessive alcohol abuse - which is where the work really lies.

And, what are addicts and alcoholics - superficially, we are dependent on chemical substances.

At a deeper level, much like others that we label as ‘insane’, we are simply amplified versions of humans, of most people.

And most people—I truly believe—also experience these tendencies - have desperate desires for LAVA and thrive on it. We have desire from distraction so we don’t have to spend too much time sitting with ourselves, to existing, of being.

So, instead - we shop, we nap, we scroll, we shop, we numb out in video games, etc, etc.

The hobby or habit may seem less benign, and perhaps it is. Superficially.

But, to me, the greater point no longer is that that is not the healthier/healthiest version of escapism and distraction.

The goal is, at least for me now is—can I sit with the hard and uncomfortable so I no longer run, and look to ANY version of escapism and distraction.

I don’t think a lot of people get to that point - and I’m not talking only about alcoholics and addicts.

But most people.

So, when I say I’m a grateful alcoholic, and I never thought I would say that, it is because -

That’s my end goal. That’s the game.

Emotional sobriety.

Reliance on God.

Sitting with myself.

Existing in the hard, hard emotions of existing.

I also wholeheartedly believe that it is the arduous journey to the evolution of self.