Grieving a Narcissistic Relationship
because it and they were never what you thought they were...
Arguably, when any relationship comes to an end, it’s difficult. Heartache is painful. Shattered dreams is gut-wrenching.
When I lived in Indonesia, they had an expression -
Lebih baik sakit gigi daripada sakit hati.
It translates to - it’s better to have a toothache than a heartache.
And, if you’ve never had a terrible toothache - lucky you—but also -
Ooph.
It’s rough - abscessed teeth with multiple nerves/roots exposed from molars is a rough kind of pain.
When I had them my whole face got swollen.
But- even still, that pain is preferable to a heartache, so says the Indonesian saying.
And yet, with my other breakups, when the relationship ended, you get to grieve it, but you also get to look back on times you had together, and there are dear memories to hold on to -
I feel this way about my marriage and the only other man I have ever loved.
But this is not the same when you have loved someone who is a narcissist.
It’s not because you try -
But if you [have to learn] about narcissistic personality disorder, and what those with the behavioral condition do, and how they operate in relationships -
Then you are made to have to realize -
IT was all a lie.
An act. A facade and a mask - from the very beginning.
I know that this is hard for some people to accept.
Believe me, it was for me as well.
I told a dear elderly neighbor about him and how I used to cook for him - and how he grew to expect me to, and to take advantage of me -
She said, “But you don’t think he ever appreciated you? Even in the beginning?”
Implying that he probably did at the beginning.
And here’s the thing -
He acted like he did.
Because he knew he had to do so. It can’t be all bad - they have to lure you in, and keep you around.
Now, I do get it -
Granting someone the benefit of the doubt like that is in my nature too -
It’s why I ended up with a narcissist (that, and my loads of traumas) and got my heartbroken and my my nervous system shattered and my brain damaged - and why I now carry the diagnosis of cPTSD -
It’s not because my father and brother both died by suicide.
It’s because during- before and after the slew of deaths, I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 4 years, while I was trying to tend to my traumatized state and fragile mental health.
Until it all ended in cataclysmic betrayals and the whole situation imploded in my face -
I had the benefit of being in close communication with the girl he was pursuing, who kept and documented everything -
I saw the texts, the double talk, I was finally able/made to understand - just what he was doing and what he was capable of -
What he said about me -
How I was used -
That, combined with a lot of reading and education about narcissism -
I learned.
I learned so much.
Narcissists like empaths and loyal folks, but when we learn of their game, the ways that they have used us, played us like a fiddle -
When they know that we know -
Then they’re cruel and they turn their backs on you.
The lack of empathy, the cruelty, and the complete lack of accountability - reflection -
It’s all really mind-blowing.
It is so stark and astounding that this could be the same person that it was at the beginning -
But it is precisely that notion that kept you there for that long -
They perform. They mask. They love-bomb.
They mirror back to you what you want.
They learn and study you, and they do it for their own benefit.
For transactional relationships - what they can gain.
When I consider how I benefited my partner - it’s obvious -
I would cook and nurture and caretake - both for him and his daughter; I was kind and good to his family.
I had flexibility of hours because, as a professor, I didn’t work that much.
I was easy-going and allowed him to call the shots, a lot of time.
I was co-dependent and eager to please -
So I put up with a lot.
And they know that.
The prime you for that.
Then they start to—ever so slowly—so slow that you aren’t aware that it is happening —erode your sense of self worth and relationship.
They test you -
To see how much you will put up with, how much they can get away with -
All in a sick manner of testing your loyalty to them, and their power over you.
It’s endless games of manipulation and mindfuckery.
And it leaves you spinning, and amazed, constantly asking yourself - “What happened!?!?”
The moment I realized - he cheated, and was completely fine with it, and that he was never ever who I thought he was -
My blood ran cold - I felt the spotlight shine down on me - caught, blindsided -
I recall that moment just as poignantly as I did the other trauma(s), learning of my father and brother’s deaths by suicide.
And I was left reeling.
My mind couldn’t absorb the shock and what he had done and what I had failed to see-
To say that I was doubled over and completely incinerated is an understatement.
When a relationship with a narcissist comes to an end, you never get any closure, kindness, love or empathy -
You also don’t get to recall the relationship memories in ‘remembering the good times’ the way that you do with other normal romantic relationships.
Because - you were duped.
Because nothing of it, none of it was real -
They are incapable of altruistic and reciprocal love.
They [only are able to] see relationships are transactional - what they can gain from them.
And what you supply them with - and they will go to any lengths of performing, lies, deceit, play, to get what they want from you.
It’s really chilling that there are people like that.
I get that.
It is hard to swallow that.
It’s sobering and deeply disturbing.
But it happens.
And pretending that it does not, is to further isolate those of us who have known to intimately know this kind of duplicity and manipulation and evilness.
Those with NPD are indeed baffling - how trauma can cause those who have endured such difficulties to also transmit that pain - rather than to heal.
But - that’s ultimately the choice that many of us are confronted with -
We have had to learn.
And when we crawl our way back from these very painful realizations -
Battered and bruised on the other side -
We also mourn not only how it ended - that it ended -
But we deeply, deeply grieve that it never was.
