How Shame works:
And why it is so dangerous for us.
I’ve written before about shame and how those of us with trauma, and PTSD, especially struggle with shame.
But I am reading a book that shed some new perspective on shame and why it is so insidious and harmful to us, articulated in a clearer and more nuanced way.
I also share because I also think shame is universal to the human experience.
We all have our own areas where we feel shame, where it plagues us.
Shame can be understood as different from guilt because guilt says I’ve done a bad thing, whereas shame is I am a bad person.
Shame ties itself, therefore, to our identity and our worth as people.
Christopher Cook writes that “whatever has our identity has out beliefs, then our thoughts, then our affections, and onward, maintaining its grip on us.
Shame keeps us stuck in a perpetual state of defeat and dsepair and. And we react to it usually with either self-protection or self promotion.
I usually do the protection and become reclusive and hide.
Some others, my narcissistic ex and other narcissists come to mind here, they assert themselves in prideful and insecure ways, to mask.
However, both actions are “motivated by false identity,” and I would argue—
Hopelessly intertwining the ego, the attempt to protect its self.
It is also worth noting that shame and fear become entangled.
The real paradox, certainly, as authors like Brene Brown and others point out, we don’t get real love and acceptance, with ourselves or among others if we don’t display a degree of vulnerability. If we don’t remove the mask.
I am calling myself out here, as well. Because I am the adult child of an alcoholic, who grew up embodying and performing the hero role.
Removing the mask and act of performance is challenging for me, but I am doing it, mostly in my memoir, which I’m making good progress on, I’m happy to report.
Addressing my shame is integral to my healing. I think it is for many of us.
In this book, Christopher Cook, also encourages us to trace our first memories of shame, and how they formed part of our childhood wounds, of the inner child. Considering them can then help us to address them further.
Uncovering our own shame is important, because if we don’t—
“Through our destructive rumination, neuro-plasticity will work in an unproductive, toxic manner, creating hardwired neural pathways that lead to harmful behaviors and unfavorable outcomes that render us stuck as victims of life.”
