I am different now

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

There is so much in the world, nation, and my community that is deeply unsettling and rattling now.

Yes, politically, but not only with that - I’m not talking only about that.

There is a lot of uncertainty and there is also a lot of tragedy, tragic deaths, that have affected people in my small corner of the world—in various communities I’ve belonged to -

The other day someone—who told me that she hadn’t slept due to the stress of external issues said to me —

How are you doing?

I paused and said, I’m doing okay.

And you know what?

I am.

I was calm when I said that.

I told her, it’s because I’ve done a lot of work on my nervous system.

Which is true.

I also added, to myself, silently -

And because I’m sober.

But I needed to be both - to have both -

I know someone sober longer than me who hasn’t done all the nervous system work.

They are both so important to mental health and well being.

But also - because my mind and body are calmer and I am sober - I can accept that -

I am powerless over people, places and things.

So, yes, I am different.

And I know, I know—by how some people react to me now,

That some people don’t know this about me yet - this version of me hasn’t been around as long -

But I am.

I am less indignant and less quick to react and evaluate and judge.

I am in less pain and so I can listen to others pain more carefully without needing validation, attention, to be right, put my oar or side in, etc.

The ego tempered for longer -

I am less reactionary to people who differ from my beliefs.

I don’t need to bring it back to me as often in conversation.

I don’t always need to speak on my own experience, to be validated - to be affirmed when someone else shares their pain, by way of over-relating and self-centering.

I can sit with another in compassion and humility and humanity and empathy. -

And not that I am perfect, but I am better.

I am slower.

I am not as reactive. I am in less pain. My thoughts don’t race.

I don’t need to put my oar in as much.

My sponsor told me this today:

“The world is going crazy Danielle. We need to keep our caps on more than usual to send out all our good vibes to help the world. I’m convinced more than ever that we in AA are light workers. We got to experience the darker side of our personality and life in general and survived it.”

And it is so true.

We came face to face with our darkest shadows and the worst versions of ourselves.

Sure, we can dig around for some more darkest parts, our rock bottoms, but -

For now, for today, sober - we can be light.

Because we have had spiritual awakenings and divine intervention -

And we have changed.

The other day I shared my story and someone in my 12 step group said -

“I’ve seen you come back to life since you’ve started coming here.”

And it’s true. I have.

And it’s only been 1 year and 5 months and 2 days. :)

Sometimes people don’t think that people can change.

But they can -

But it’s usually only when we get tired of our own bull shit.

The havoc we’ve wreaked on our own lives.

Only then - because no one can do it for us.

I have changed. And I will continue to change.

One day at a time.

And as I’ve been set forth on this journey- I am amazed who finds their way to me, so I can share resources on mental health healing modalities along with support in recovery.

I pray for purpose and to be used and of service.

This is what has been unfolding for me -

As I write, as I change my own story, as I evolve.

And - as I aim to send love and light and healing, positive energy out into the world today.

Because so, so many people need it right now.