I am my mother's child
in more ways than one...
One of the ways in which I am like her is my “chemical imbalances.” We don’t like to use that term now, but I can’t really tell you if it’s the lack of GABA in my brain or what neuro transmitter is off, if it’s serotonin or norepinephrine. So because of that, I’ll just say this—
When I was in college, at 19, I stopped sleeping. I just couldn’t sleep anymore. Like at all. Suddenly. Obviously I was upset and didn’t want to leave college, but I had to. My mother was my lifeline. Talking me down with the reassurances that I wouldn’t go crazy.
I no longer have my mother with me to do that. But I have her lessons.
My mother knew this very well, whatever genetic deficiency that we share.
So I hold onto that as being chemically imbalanced has caused some pretty chronic insomnia, her reassuring words—
You won’t always feel like this.
It’s maddening to try to explain to someone who doesn’t get it. Who dismisses chemical imbalances.
But—
I can’t sleep, like at all. Get so exhausted I yawn and can’t keep my eyes open, but then I am jittery and wired like hyper caffeinated at the same time.
Even strong sleeping pills don’t work.
Like hell.
You feel crazy because what sane person couldn’t sleep? Through the night? That’s what we’re supposed to do!
So, I make more appointments to adjust medication and refrain from using any alcohol, though it is so tempting if it would allow for some even poor quality of sleep.
Of course that doesn’t help chemical balances, so doomed either way.
I just loathe when people dismiss them and they don’t get them.
Feel very lucky you don’t.
This shit isn’t fun and who would make it up?
I like my sleep.
But I can feel the difference when I’m off and when I’m balanced. I feel the way my shoulders feel and the way my mind doesn’t race. I know I will sleep again and that I won’t go crazy.
Now, I feel the opposite. I worry I will become permanently exhausted and incapacitated like my mother.
These are the experiences of when people are chemically imbalanced.
Can’t relate? Be very glad.
Mine is not sleep but perpetual depression and anxiety. I will be in meds the rest of my life. I have tried to go off them for a year, maybe two. I am always back in that chair. There is often no direct cause for an onset of depression - it’s a physical feeling in my body and brain. I can only call it a physical depression. Moods dip, stress makes it worse, nightmares, fatigue, to name a few. I am balanced now, on a good blend of meds now. The psychiatrist says I should never go off them, given my situation. Blessings to you for sharing. These things need to be talked about.