I am one of the lucky ones
I am one of the lucky ones.
For oh so, so many reasons.
But one of them is that I am still alive, when everyone in my family died by one form of suicide or another.
Another reason is that I was spared from years of active alcoholism from God - that I was able to get sober.
Though substance abuse disorder is still so heavily stigmatized, and many do consider it a weakness, those who get sober or clean, especially after some spiritual awakening / metanoia, we usually recognized the gifts and blessings we have in our life - because we can contrast them to what we were blind to when using.
There’s a gratitude and a humility.
There may be rock bottom experiences that we looked back on, moments where we lost things or almost lost things, experiencing things at our rock bottom that shook us to the core.
My experiences digging at my rock bottom revealed to me how easy it is to forget that -
It could be worse.
Things can always, always get worse.
And while I felt sorry for myself sometimes, born into the family I was, or tried to escape or self-medicate my way out of it -
Still, even amidst a hand of suicides I wasn’t quite sure what to do with -
Still, it could have gotten worse.
I tested that hand through my inability to address the grief, the pain.
I had an inability to admit that I needed help and that I needed to stop pretending that I was okay.
My control issue - residuals from the performative nature of a hero /child of an alcoholic. I always have to be okay, or pretend to be.
The surrender part - the admittance - I am not managing any of this and I am not okay - set me free.
And I realize - I was never in control. I only have anxiety and fear and tried to perform okayness and manage things on my own.
I don’t have to do that anymore.
Giving it up my Higher Power/God/Divine Creator/the Universe -
That was as liberating as sobriety / living without booze was.
Today, I am grateful. Humbled and thankful.