I am what my mother wanted for me
what she could not be
Lately I was thinking about how my life is truly the one that my mother wanted for me.
She wanted me to address my family issues and my own mental health.
She wanted to be educated and independent and self-sufficient.
I am all of those things.
Because I am single and childless, I am quite footloose and fancy free. It also allows me to be able to spend my money and time exactly how I want to do so.
My mother was amazing in that though she loved children and babies, she never pressured me at all to have any.
I asked her once if she wanted grandchildren and she said—
“Danielle, kids change everything. They take all your time, your money, your energy, everything. It really has to be your decision to make that life-changing decision.”
I’m glad she had a grandchild to love in the final few years of her life, but as for me—
I rarely (seriously) wanted children. I think I always supposed I would have them. But my desire for kids really never extended beyond the rose-colored image of having kids.
My biological clock ticking urges only started to scream to me from about age 34-39.
When I got pregnant and failed to carry to term, twice, it was painful.
But I am also glad now, at the age of 41, that I don’t have kids. That I never had them.
Because I like my life. Not having children has also allowed me to pursue mental health help, therapy and sobriety, and old wounds of being traumatized and a child of an alcoholic, in ways that I would never have been able to do—had I not had this time.
If I had had a child, it would not have been possible.
My life would be so different now.
I recently got my passport renewed and I’m eagerly anticipating more cross-cultural adventures.
I am planning further excursions of my adventures, starting with a trip to southeast Tennessee for fall break this long weekend. I also plan to go back to Europe again this summer.
I no longer look to men or other people to validate my existence or provide me with my emotional security. I am living exactly the kind of life that my mother wanted and would never have, nor ever allow herself to have.
She needed to have others to live for, my dad, her kids.
I did too—for a long. Lived for others.
Though service and relationships are still an important part of my life, and they always will be, I am also very different now.
I am independent and financially self-sufficient.
I like myself enough and am confident enough to be alone for a long time. I no longer think of myyself as lonely but “with myself.”
These are huge strides for me.
There has much I have tolerated in the past that I will no longer.
It’s taken me to middle change, a lot of painful lessons and therapy and life-changing and sobering moments, betrayals, traumas and heartache—
But I’m still here, and I’m proud that I’m healthier and happier and more autonomous than ever.
Here’s to many more, future adventures—