"I don't like to be alone"

Photo by Warren on Unsplash

My dear neighbor’s cousin, another senior, and I were talking yesterday, as we left the rehab center.

We were talking about Christmas plans and what I was planning to do. I explained that I was going to take a trip.

She said—who are you going with?

I smiled and said, I’m going to go alone.

She retorted, “I don’t like to be by myself.”

I felt very sad for her.

She’s almost 87 years old and widowed. And everyone comments that she doesn’t like to be by herself, and instead, to be around people.

I also felt that way and for a long time.

I learned co-dependency in my dysfunctional family and I latched on to people, a trauma response, a way to try to calm my own central nervous system, to feel comforted by others existence, proximity to me, relationship with me.

So, to that extent, I got what she was saying.

I don’t know what she must feel—growing up how she did, surrounded by people, and with her husband by her side for decades, and now, he’s gone.

That must be very hard to acclimate to—I can only imagine. No wonder people feel like that they lose a limb when their partner or spouse of fifty years or so passes.

I am thankful that though it has been very challenging to get used to, that I can not only be alone, but that I actually enjoy being alone now.

I don’t plan outings to be surrounded by people, like I always used to. I don’t take arrange visits and dates and call people on the phone frequently like I used to.

But—

It has taken quite a lot of time.

I know that in my case, part of my extroversion and emotionally dependence to others was because of my background.

But I think that many women in this heteronormative/patriarchal culture absorb the idea that you need to have someone—a husband, a man, and children, in order to have purpose in your existence.

Even though it’s changing these days, this is often times still the message that man women internalize. And they can carry it with them for years.

It makes me think of something I read years ago that—

Every woman should be able to live alone/learn how to be happy alone—even if she doesn’t like it.

Because when we don’t know how to be alone, we tolerate and put up with bullshit treatment or settle for less than we deserve, and try to find fulfillment and purpose outside of ourselves.

So, this Christmas, I embrace solitude and being alone, because though I’m more alone than I’ve ever been—

I am also very content and I’m also finally understanding the distinction between being “with myself” versus being “all alone” or “lonely.”

It’s an important difference and one that I didn’t get until just now.

For me, it happened with my spiritual awakening and realization and conviction that I am never truly alone—because I believe in/feel/am able to pray and recognize that God is with me.

But, as I reflect on that and the difference in others situations, I realize that many women—like my neighbor’s cousin, may never get to that point, of being okay with being alone.

So, these days, I am glad that I can be very happy alone.