I turned 41
Breathed a Sigh of Relief
I spoke to a friend of mine today, also in AA, who is 65.
When she turned 40, she said it was like a breathing a big sigh of relief.
I can understand that and I concur.
I used to fear aging and while, sometimes the unexpected lines and wrinkles that have popped up on my face do surprise me— is that my face? Where did that one come from?
Also—
I would not trade my smooth faced youth for the experiences and wisdom and comfort and ease that I have in/with my body. It is so much deeper than I ever had when in 20s or in my 30s.
I also realized on my birthday that—I am so simply happy and content.
I had probably the simplest birthday ever with fried green tomatoes made by my beloved 95 year old neighbor and she got me ice cream cake, which we shared with another neighbor. Then I took in a movie at the local cinema and indulged in Farmers’ Market watermelon and peaches. It was simple and the happiest I can remember ever having.
I am the most alone I have ever been and I am the happiest.
I am living a life I used to fear, like my mother. Perhaps from emotional inheritance and learned co-dependent tendencies.
After all—
I am single, childless, and I live alone. I have barely any [close] family members left, and none that live around here.
I also have re-evaluated relationships and friendships and I do something old Danielle avoided like the plague—
I spend a lot of time alone. I have learned to enjoy my books and my writing and my alone time. My mind. I have a need for stimulation, but I give it to myself. I get it, from books and writing. My need for stimulation has gotten be in trouble but it is also my superpower.
Most importantly, though I am very alone, I no longer feel lonely.
I have learned some incredibly challenging in lessons in the last few years, but I think, What ranks highest up there is this—
Sometimes relationships and friendships that you have can make you feel even more alone than having no one in your life.
When you learn later that stories delivered to your face were not the reality, or ones told to your face, sometimes those feelings of loneliness—companionship that made me lonely- makes me realize—
I am better off alone.
Some of this is because I have selected my circle, more carefully. Sometimes apparently, we need to re-evaluate those in our lives, to ask who has integrity and the kind of strength and character, to be the people that we want in our lives.
I also realize that, undoubtedly, I can do this now with more ease and comfort because I am sober, and can now truly act as my own best friend. I can practice self-love and self compassion but I can also raise the bar on who has access to me and who I give access to.
I survive and make community. So, wherever I go, and relocate, I make community. y current community is one of people who have loved me at some of my lowest moments and I finally realize the truth, the one that was very hard for this co-dependent to learn:
This extroverted and extremely outgoing and social person, with so very little family left, who has moved across the country several times over the last few years—
Sometimes we’re truly, truly better off alone.