I'm a Cycle Breaker
and what I have come to understand that that means
My mission in life—it seems—is to heal. It’s to feel the pain. And to cut the cord on the painful legacy of family trauma.
The recently published—and amazing book—Break the Cycle, by Dr. Mariel Buque, discusses what constitutes a cycle breaker.
One of the things that Dr. Buque mentions about cycle breakers is that these individuals seem to “know in their spirit” that they must be different, and do things differently than their family members, than those of their ancestors.
That is me; it radiates throughout me and penetrates my soul. It almost feels like heavenly divine nudges from the Universe, Consciousness, and Creator:
When you have 50% of your nuclear family, including yourself, 2/3 excluding yourself, who have taken their own lives, you realize—
I needed to do things differently; otherwise, I wouldn’t survive, at worst. Or at best, I would live in a cycle of self-destruction, pain, trauma, active addiction, or falling prey to toxic relationships and finding myself in narcissistic or co-dependent relationships, again and again and again—
That it would be the never-ending trajectory of my life.
And I wanted my ‘breaking the cycle’ to extend far beyond just not killing myself, actively or passively, by giving up on life. I actually wanted to thrive, not only merely survive.
I needed to blow the whistle on these patterns: how my family members lived, how my ancestors moved through their lives, influencing their descendents, future generations.
Dr. Buque talks about how this path, this work and life-trajectory is very difficult. It takes a hell of a lot of work, of un-learning, intense therapy, healing, active engagement, humility, revisiting family trees of intergenerational pain.
But it’s worth it.
On the one hand, those of us who have to take this path, we feel called to do so, it’s a destiny. We often feel like we don’t have a choice-
But—much like my work to heal and release my own personal trauma, and the work that I’ve done on myself since the suicides—
I do. I wasn’t given a choice with what happened to me, but I did/do have a choice in what comes next in my life and in my family line.
Now, I couldn’t always think that, be in that place mentally.
It took time and healing. For a long time I felt like a victim and in shock and amazed at the depth and layers of my family’s pain and tragic stories, all the trauma. But perhaps I am most proud that I have moved out of that space, done the work to do so, and reclaimed the label of a survivor and reclaiming what these tremendous tragedies and traumas could teach me, to heal me and to make a better human being.
In doing so, I also believe that it has helped me to become a better person, more compassionate and empathetic and humble, willing to listen and honor peoples’ painful and traumatic experiences.
Trauma is so fucking hard, in how it changes us and how we have to pick up the shattered pieces and consider the scars and imprints and have to ask ourselves-ok, now what? What do I DO with this? And whether those traumas are our own, lived embodied experiences or our ancestors’ traumas, or both.
But the healing from them, it is so, so important and it’ll ultimately make us happier, healthier, more whole—
We can become even better versions of ourselves, and perhaps even the best (read: healthiest) of our family line as well.
Let us never forget:
“The metaphorical cracks in our lives also make us more precious.” (Dr. Mariel Buque)
They are also where the light can enter us. (Rumi)
