"I'm interesting"
and I'm worth all my love and devotion
Today in therapy, we talked about my [currently lost] ability to trust men, and more importantly, to trust myself in my choice of men.
In a moment of absolute candor, after ranting, and since she is my therapist, and since—what the hell is the point in couching as I pay her by the hour—I snickered and said-
“Most men I’ve met are not half as interesting as they think they are.”
Of course, then I couched: Certainly we’re all dull as fuck some of the time.
But then I said, but—I AM curious in people and in their stories, cultures and I want to learn and grow and develop. I’m intellectually, socially, and culturally interested in people and in the world.
I finished my diatribe and then I sighed and said—
“It’s just hard because so many men are only interested in talking about themselves and she said—
“And because YOU’RE interesting!”
It is nice to be affirmed. But I think this—
I really think I am interesting mostly because I am interested—in the world around me. I am interested in learning more….be it from people or life stories, books or travel, because I want to know more than I knew, to understand more about the human condition.
I am interested in whatever and from whomever, so I can learn from one conversation or a life story over one meal, even if it is just one or two things. I’ll be engaged and listened to what I can glean from it.
(Undoubtedly this is why so many men think that I’m into them, personally; many walk away saying that they’ve had a great time and I think, well, sure—because you talked about yourself the whole time and I listened. I needed to be paid to be your therapist or life coach.)
But, I digress—today we talked about my trust issues with men, which, mostly boil down to not trusting myself and my ability to choose good partners, as well as to attract stable, consistent, communicative and honest partners. (And interesting ones, which I crave.) All because of my dysfunctional family and wounded inner child and what I have seen modeled to me.
Ultimately though, what I am most concerned with at this point in time, and what we came full circle to discuss—my relationship with myself. Being happy in my own solitude and company.
I’m happy that I can say with absolute honesty that I am more happy alone than I ever have been and only growing more so. And the more comfortable I grow ever, more and more in my own solitude and in my own company, loving my quiet time with books, reading and listening to stories, writing and processing. I am learning to love and to develop my relationship with myself.
Then, all the more I realize that I have less and less desire to be with a man now, or anytime soon. Especially since:
1—Too many men [that I have encountered] haven’t done their emotional and mental homework on themselves. They evade self actualization, accountability and growth. They don’t want to do the work, or worse, they want a woman to do it for them. (Another type of ‘gold digger’.)
2—I want to focus on my own growth, my writing, my reading, my career. I want to explore myself, my mind, and my own journey and story.
I read a quote from author Elizabeth Gilbert recently where she discussed how she had had no examples of adult women who were single, solvent, childless, independent, and happy, as a girl. She wondered how she would have been different had she had them.
I certainly wonder the same.
My mother often talked about those women wistfully, longing for that life. However, once she got it, later in life, she didn’t know how to embody that role, to live that existence. She had spent her entire life living for others, her entire identity defined by others.
I know she craved autonomy and financial solvency, as a younger woman. But she didn’t have a sense of self, divorced from her relationships to others, and purpose of serving others.
Though she reinforced to me this, built me up to be different, and strongly emphasized I deserved that, this autonomy, it’s amazing how we model what we see in the gender roles of parents, rather than at their words. The ol’ adage— “actions speak louder than words.”
It was not long ago that I used to envy those who were in long-term relationships and with children, but now—
I think, now— after all of these years of caring for my partners, their kid, and before then, my mother, students, etc—
All of that love and care, compassion, empathy, and nurturing is going directly into myself.
<3