Isolophiliac rising

Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash

I encountered this term today, isolophilia.

It refers to a person with a strong preference or love for solitude where one enjoys being alone, associated with peace, introspection, or personal space.”

That was never me.

Ever.

I always identified as an extreme extrovert, extremely social and outgoing, downright gregarious.

I was also co-dependent and I used people try and help my manage my dysregulated nervous system.

After time, healing, sobriety, and a lot of therapy and work on myself -

The result has really surprised me.

I have come to understand that I am a lot, a lot less extroverted than I used to be. Or, perhaps, than I thought I was.

I spend a lot of time alone these days. And, even when presented with the option, I still prefer to spend alone.

I never used to understand those people; I thought we were cut from different cloths.

But, what a journey of self-discovery to realize that when I am healthier and more healed, I want a lot less social interactions - with friends and also that I have grown to enjoy my solitude and it makes me question if/when I will ever desire a life partner.

I had dinner with a few friends last night, and their companionship reminded me a lot of marriage.

I married [too] young and we were co-dependent. We also were great friends and companions for many years, but I also believe our ‘attached at the hip’ relationship also hindered us, so we weren’t able to grow into our own persons, especially before we met and gravitated toward one another from the age of 18-19.

Now, don’t misunderstand me - it works for them. Marriage and relationship dynamics are fascinating. Theirs works for them; and I’m happy for them. I don’t pretend that what has worked for me or not worked for me ought to be projected onto another couple and any other marriage or partnership. That’s what’s so intriguing about patterns in companions - people’s preferred time of together time and alone time varies so much from couple to couple.

My former colleague/friend did ask me about me now, as we were talking about this.

What worked for me in the past — I am quite confident — would not work for me now.

I am a very different person and I have not only learned to live alone, but I’ve grown to enjoy being alone and my own company.

I used to find people fascinating and while there are parts of humanity that still do - and I love to learn, I also find people much of the time insufferable too (I’m also included in this too, I’m sure).

But - I never used to feel that way. That they were simultaneously the best AND the worst.

It’s hard to articulate what happened to me/within me to bring about such a stark change in my personality.

I guess I can sum it up like this - I grew to a point where I no longer feel “all by myself” and “alone” but “with myself,” and it’s made all the difference.

I had a therapist a couple years ago that said to me - You seem to have a rich internal world, hobbies, and a busy mind” aside from other people, but expressed concern that I apparently didn’t think of myself that way. I didn’t hold the same perception.

Perhaps it was that validation. Perhaps it was exercising that and really pushing myself to start feeling what I needed to - to grieve, to heal, to stop medicating.

I finally learned how to be alone. Really, really alone.

Paradoxically, I also have come to believe that I am never really alone - that is part of the experience of a spiritual awakening -

I was/am never alone.

And my God is a better companion than many others - because I was seeking others for many of the wrong reasons.

I no longer do that. So I have less expectations of people and their actions/behaviors can speak for themselves now, rather than me chasing who I want them to be and [want to] believe them to be. That’s an important distinction.

I grow more convinced that when people have show you who they are, their character, in how they behave or in how they talk about you to others, especially through things they do not/will not say to you face, then you really ought to believe that that’s who they are - no more endless excuses of their true intentions. Sometimes life has a way of revealing matters you were unaware of.

And for me, being both sober and no longer using people to emotionally regulate myself, I am also able to pay better attention to past behaviors and make better choices about who I want to interact with -

They say that you are usually most influenced in your character by the top five people you spend the most time with -

Put in that regard, I also am more selective in who I want to be influenced by - often choosing books over people.

To end, it makes me think of how some people are insistent that —in general— people don’t really change. We always are who we are.

And yet, I tend to believe —

“People don’t really change until they get tired of their own bullshit.”

I got tired of my own bullshit, that’s for sure.

But I am also enjoying the evolution, the transform, the results -

Even though I have spent the past year getting to know parts of me that I didn’t know existed. It truly is the uncovering of a whole new Danielle, the pealing back of a layer that has really surprised me.

And on that note, I will continue my solo-adventures exploring the city of Baltimore.