Meeting someone else..

is only possible in so far as they have met themself

When I decided to start dating again, I made a list of what I wanted in a future partner.

Some of the most important things that I decided that I would require of someone I was with/who I was looking for:

—Accountable to their shortcomings and areas where they need to grow and then humility when they fuck up.

—Self-aware and Self-actualized

—Interested in and committed to self-growth in both themself and with me, in terms of our relationship

—Empathetic and compassionate (narcissism recovery—I will no longer give the benefit of the doubt to future partners that their lack of understanding of empathy is a language limitation, but I now see that there are some folks with personality disorders who are truly unable to feel and show empathy. Sickeningly, they are often the ones drawn to empaths and lure the empaths into their emotional cycles of abuse.)

I had a whole bunch of other things, related to intellect, education, ambition, travel, etc, but mostly, these are the ones that I decided were non-negotiable after being in a relationship with a narcissist for four years.

I have spent a lot of time thinking and reflecting and healing.

As such, I have often sat with this hard truth, related to toxic folks and unhealthy people, who haven’t done the mental work on themselves:

“You can only meet someone only in so far as they have met themselves.”

How true that is.

Many people run from the hard truths about themselves. I get it. It’s easier.

These self-truths can be intimidating and humbling. It is sobering to face your shadows, your baggage, your unhealthy tendencies, your trauma, the dysfunction of your family.

You can trust me on this. I have ethos on the matter.

I have done it.

So, I know it’s not fun.

Neither is therapy.

It’s a hell of a lot of work.

To do the work of healing, when you finally get tired of your own bullshit, see yourself as someone with some baggage to work out, and finally decide to be unflinchingly honest with yourself that you may be the common denominator in why relationships fail or why your life isn’t going well—-

It’s adult accountability and it’s hard to grow up. To move beyond a victim mindset.

Many people instead choose to hide their own crap, blame circumstantial or external factors, family trauma or history, or that the tumultuous situation is solely due to the other person in the relationship.

It’s not me.

I get it. My ex did that. He hid behind my trauma and scars, as I sought to heal, focusing on what I lacked rather than considering his own accountability.

(Of course he did. Narcissists make desperate and childish attempts to evade accountability at all costs. This is why he tried to pin his cheating on me, as an accident, and other such nonsense, etc. etc)

And yet, what a sad state of existence. For any current or future relationship you will have in life. Romantic, with family members, with children, friends, co-workers, etc.

I decided after all my family members died that my survival and my whole motive in life was to do the work and to move beyond the examples set forth for me by my family members.

I decided—It was all on me now. No more excuses.

The harsh truth is that there is a freedom in them all being dead, whereas now, I have to accept that I am the [only] adult now, the only surviving member of my family and how I live is truly up to me.

I am no longer paralyzed or hurt by their choices unless I choose to be, to allow it to affect me.

I had the autonomy, the choice, either to get well and be accountable to myself, or play the victim hand forever. To try to justify my self-wallowing behavior.

Therefore, I have spent a great deal of effort to ensure I do not repeat dysfunctional behavior, toxic relationships, substance abuse, to further perpetuate intergenerational trauma or contribute to blaming others because I haven’t addressed my own wounds that need healing.

And I am happier and healthier for it.

I pity people who are unable or unwilling to do this— The folks for whom there is always something wrong with the therapist or there’s an excuse for why they can’t accept that they need help, to get mental health expertise and guidance. They can’t/won’t look in the mirror and be honest about their own reflection, recognizing that the problem may be themselves and their role in their relationships and life choices, as they’ve created them.

They are hamster wheels spinning, getting nowhere.

But, you cannot do the work for someone. I learned this the hard way during the last few years of my mother’s life, after my father died.

You can’t make someone get help and you can’t reach them in any way if they are unable to accept that they need help and are unwilling to do the work on themselves.

This is true also with the survivors’ guilt that comes for those of us who have lost someone to suicide, who refused to get mental health help.

I frequently reflect on how thankful I am that—despite our tumultuous relationship— the last words I wrote to my brother were ones in which I implored him—get some help. You are not okay.

He did not. He chose to exit this life.

Accountability is key for adulting. I laid this out for my current partner who readily agreed and who took it in stride and has owned his stuff in our conversations already, far far more than my ex ever did.

Healthy accountability and healthy boundaries are crucial for life.

Now, having reached middle-age, I have decided I highly value accountability in my life, for myself, for my partner and with my closest friends. And I am healthier and happier now that those who are unwilling to be accountable are no longer a part of my life.

Life is too short. Protect yourself and establish boundaries, dear ones.

Require that accountability of yourself and others. Work towards it.