More than surviving, more than healing
Taking on a new identity...
I over think.
I over analyze.
I intellectualize.
This has been an integral part of my survival.
I honestly believe it’s why I’m still here - and Jeremie is not.
Because I was taught to study and learn from stories as survival.
And I learned to research what I needed to know from graduate school.
And because my mother always told me that there was no use in suffering if there was help available.
So I went looking for help - in so, so many places.
But - I have also had to learn not to do this. I had to heed the advice of my therapist to get out of my head and into my body.
That was so important for my somatic healing.
Because I had complex grief.
Because I had many traumas and recurring traumas.
Because I didn’t know how to process all of them - because several of the losses happened literally one on top of the other.
But I read this the other day on Ryan Evans’ IG - and I thought - holy shit, that’s totally me.
It read:
“Trauma makes you obsessed with understanding everything.
When we are raised in unpredictably, certainty then equates to safety. ‘The more I know and understand about myself, the world, health, and everyone around me the more safe and in control I feel’.'
This leads to overanalyzing, rumination, and a drive to ‘figure everything out’.
It’s because, uncertainty, or lack of clarify can feel intolerable.
The brain tries to restore control by seeking patterns and assigning meaning, evne where none exists.
Here’s what you might do…
You become the therapists, coaches, and healers of the world (trying to understand and help others as they wish someone did for them)
The functional or holistic health practitioners (obsession with finding the root cause for themselves and others)
You google every symptom because not knowing what’s happening in your body feel unsafe.
You ask for constant reassurance, because uncertainty triggers panic.
You feel uncomfortable when plans are vague or spontaneous.
You struggle to relax unless everything is explained, labeled, or understood.
You need to know’ why’ something happened before you can move on.
You collect knowledge (books, podcasts, theories) as a way to feel in control.
You try 10 different healing modalities at once, afraid that missing one means you won’t heal.
You over supplement, over test, and micromanage your diet to avoid any uncertainty in your healing.
You panic when a symptom returns, interpreting it as a failure instead of part of the process.
You jump from one protocol to another, hoping the next one will finally give you certainty.
You feel unsafe resting unless there’s a clear reason or diagnosis to justify it, like a cold or injury.
You track every health metric obsessively (HRV, sleep, glucose), tryingt o predict crashes before they come.
You seek ‘the root cause’ as if healing can’t begin without a perfect explanation.
You struggle to trust others unless you fully understand their motives. You become ‘an expert’ on why people do what they do. (Or so you think)
This is why you may find yourself watching the same movies or tv shows over and over again. As predictability = you already know the outcome, no emotional surprises, which can mean no threat. Or maybe you watch spoilers or read summaries before watching something new.
Same goes for reading the same books, eating the same foods, sticking to the exact same routine (Even if it’s wellness), as structure can create the illusion of control.
This leads to symptom messages from the body.
Insomnia or waking up at 3am with a racing mind as your body is trying to hlp you figure out the conflict. Once you have the appropriate understanding you will rest;
Fatigue from constant nervous system overdrive.
Chronic tension (jaw, neck, shoulders, gut) rom constant vigilance
Hormonal imbalances (cortisol, thyroid, estrogen) due to long term activation, puffy face, mood etc.
—
Now, not all resonated with me.
But a lot of them did from my healing journey.
And ways I’ve tried to ‘fix’ myself. Desperately. Frantically. Sometimes almost manically.
But this post recommended following your inner compass. Embodiment. Not just thoughts.
Don’t ask Chat to break it down for you.
But to give your sensations and symptoms some space.
And to just be present.
I am trying to be embodied, to be present. To stop the learned - try to diagnose myself phrase of survival that I’ve lived in for years.
I also heed the advice of this guy, and another friend, who recently said to me —
“Don’t let healing be your whole identity. to the point it’s all you ever do.
Because -
“The final stage of healing is to stop fucking healing and start living.
Even when there is a shit storm, you sing your way through.”
I have written about that before on here, and recently.
I believe in neuroplasticity and the ability of the mind to heal itself.
I also don’t know when it happens.
I don’t think it’s a light switch or all at once.
I think sometimes it’s gradual.
I monitor, I evaluate.
And I need to allow myself to stop doing that and to, instead, to ease into it.
To allow it just …
To be - whatever and whoever I am right now.
In whatever stage I’m at.
And to accept that I can’t always expedite the healing.
Some of my work has been fruitful.
Others will inevitably take time and maybe I can’t hasten the process.
I have tried most everything at my disposal. What I can afford. What is accessible to me over the last 5 years.
I will always be healing.
But I can live.
Healing and trauma survivor does not have to be the only identity that I ever embody.
I can have others.
I am stepping into them.
I am learning how to live now, after healing for so long.
I am taking on a new identity and shedding this old skin.
It’s strange.
I feel stumbly.
But I also want a new metamorphosis. I don’t always want to be the chrysallis.
Here’s to new beginnings and identities.
