My worth is not defined by a man
a child, a friend, or another person...
“I’ve found that love is never about finding my other half.
It’s about realizing that I was never half to begin with.”
~unknown
And it took me a long to really embody/believe this in my soul.
Sure, intellectually, rationally, I believed this - as taught by mother and an ardent feminist -
But, it’s truly amazing how deeply ingrained and internalized patriarchy is. This false notion that a woman is only a full woman if - she is completed by a partner or gives birth and becomes a mother.
After all, these messages in cultural teachings and society run deep.
I also only saw this from family members.
My mother taught me this - though she adamantly discouraged me from doing this/believing this -
She still did it.
It carries that message stronger than the words, the example.
I have unlearned and am relearning prioritizing my self and loving myself -
I am worthy all on my own.
And the more I embrace this healing, and lean into this mindset, the more I prefer my solitude - in my own company AND through my own single status.
Relationships are work. And I’ve thrown myself into them pretty heavily in the past.
I neglected myself - my own growth, healing, and development -
The other day I was having a final get together with my colleagues to celebrate the end of the semester and we were discussing getting together another time.
I told the others I would defer to them and their schedules because I didn’t have kids or a family/spouse to worry about.
Someone said - you don’t have to check with anyone, you can just go.
In the past - that would have made me sad and filled me with longing, because I didn’t ‘belong’ to anyone, if I’m honest.
But, this time - I smiled, and nodded, and said, “Yup! I’m footloose and fancy free!”
And I meant it.
I was happy about my own single status. My childless status.
I am liberated.
And I don’t belong to ‘no one’.
I belong to myself, and to my Creator.
And I am content and at peace with that.
I am starting to look to validation within myself and to realize that I was never broken - I was never half - I only was made to believe that I was -
Reclaiming my sense of self-worthiness is centering that and adjusting my self-talk and my inner core beliefs.
It sounds hokey, I know.
But, again, when you carry deep internalized shame (a symptom of trauma, abused individuals, cPTSD effects, a recovering alcoholic), these are areas you work to heal within yourself.
I don’t have to ‘check’ with my husband before making plans and I don’t have to answer to him in how I spend money or look to him to take care of certain bills or chores.
Would at times that be nice - of course.
But I am self sufficient. And it’s empowering to know that I can survive on my own. Hell, I am even moving beyond that to the thriving stage.
And it feels really damn good.
