Narcissism and its causes

Given my previous relationship and some recent experiences, I have given a lot of thought and attention lately to learning about narcissism and what creates those tendencies, especially to the extent of a diagnosis of narcissist personality disorder.

Dr. Ramani does wonderful videos explaining how narcissists come to be as such. It seems to be the result of childhood trauma and the over-validation or the lack of attention and security from a parent. However, it’s clearly not a formula or an exact science, as there are many different factors that lead to one becoming a narcissist. After all, many of us have childhood trauma that is unresolved and so it begs the question—what makes some of us turn into beings who are sociopathic and lack empathy, truly only centering themselves?

Interestingly, in discussing the causes of narcissism, Dr. Ramani highlights that not teaching your kids empathy or exposing them to the need to have compassion and have empathy for others is a pretty strong indicator of increased likelihood to raise a narcissists.

What I find interesting after having known a few narcissists is the degree to which they deflect and project blame onto others of things that they themselves do.

One example is an intolerance for another to be centered over themselves. Can it ever truly be about another person? No, usually the narc will not allow that in a relationship, especially for any extended period of time.

Another example is accusing another of being a victim while clearly embracing that role for themselves if and when the mood suits them.

Another example is accusing others of having bad habits that they themselves have, such as overspending or wasting money or promiscuity.

It’s fascinating the delusions with reality. They are not, cannot, will not be self actualized individuals. And they’ll run from their faults at all costs, projecting on to others and failing to attend to their own issues.

Yet, it’s also so interesting that they are wracked with insecurity and low self worth, plagued with the belief that no one will ever truly love them or that they are secure or safe in a relationship. Therefore, as Dr. Ramani points out, any relationship with someone with narcissistic tendencies and NPD will be rocky and unstable. No matter what love and care the other partner provides, it’ll never be good enough. But they’ll convince you or try to that the problem is with you, not them. Another way to deflect that which they are and who they are.

At the heart of a narcissist is a small person, weak, insecure, afraid and terribly mediocre. They require outward validation because they don’t/can’t give it to themselves. However, in doing that, they also make others miserable around them.

Holding sympathy for them and yet demanding accountability is key. However, unfortunately, a lot of enabling also takes place with those close to narcs.

It’s a hard one for me to grasp. I am very empathetic and compassionate. That there are others with no capacity for empathy—narcissists and sociopaths is truly astounding to me. Yet, of course, they want others to be compassionate and empathetic for them. Different rules always apply.

Yet, I can totally understand how those who are most empathetic end up with narcissists, because they will feed off that care and consideration.

Value, devalue, discard are the common pathways for these relationships. And that may turn into cycles. A cycle of abuse.

This may seem like I’m working out my own issues, and perhaps I am.

However, I am also jarred by how 1/16 people you meet will display narcissism. That’s a lot. I know. I’ve had close relationships with quite a few, had a few in my family.

Chances are one day you will be affected by one too. They don’t all look the same. Some are more socially apt. Some more malignant, others grandiose, others covert.

Still, they are damaging to themselves and, certainly, to others.

Be careful out there, dear ones.