Narcissism continued...

On their performance

Photo by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash

Narcissists perform well. Many do, especially when they’re not ‘malignant’ narcissists’, but rather, covert narcissists.

They can appear very caring, helpful, and willing to serve others, neighbors and strangers.

Then, they can turn around or go home and be incredibly cruel to partners or other family members living in their home.

I think—like with any abusive relationship—it’s easy to judge and say, why are you with someone like that? Why do you stay with them?

It makes me cringe, when people say this to the victim/survivor. Double victimization and blaming them.

But, abusers often don’t start out as abusers.

And they aren’t all bad. That’s why there’s the described honeymoon period before a explosion or assault.

But narcissists are expert manipulators, to mirror back to people, specifically, potential partners, what you value or would want them to be, at the beginning.

Then, as I wrote about before, you spend a lot of time trying to get back to the ‘high’ stage at the beginning.

Some still would wonder how could you still stay with them —

People who allow themselves to be entrapped and who stay with a narcissist generally tend to have some trauma bond with the narc. They are nurturers and empaths; they don’t want to give up on people.

They have co-dependent tendencies and feel that they are to be blamed for past failed relationships. So sometimes they dig their heels in even harder to make it work. I’ve both done this and seen this done.

It took me awhile - about two years to finally break free from my narcissist ex. And it wasn’t easy.

If I hadn’t both moved across the country from him AND simultaneously learned about his epic betrayal, where his other girlfriend reached out to me, and I had learned he’d been living a double-life for months, I may not have left. When confronted, he acted like he’d done nothing wrong, evading accountability and rewriting history, because that’s what they do.

It still broke my heart. I loved his daughter. I had lost my family; I had made him and his mine, or tried to.

And though I wavered during my brokenness, my heartache, I did realize something -

I got to the point where I realized, I would not/could not have any more self-respect left if I didn’t end it. I had no idea what my life would be; I was traumatized, still reeling from the suicides and the death of my beloved mother.

But I knew, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror anymore if I didn’t choose myself over him.

Though he tried to lure me back after his other interest made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him.

I recall a text saying “you’re actually a good woman.”

I still think about that and wished that I had said - you’re actually not. I had been giving you too much credit for who you were.

I didn’t know who he was at his core and what he was capable of doing/being.

Ultimately, I refused to be his consolation prize.

I had been put on the back burner for months and told incredibly cruel things, so he could push me away, see how far he could go, but he didn’t let me go completely. Because narcissists need some emotional and sexual supply. Their egos can’t function without it.

They often times say that emotional, mental and psychological abuse is arguably just as dangerous and even more insidious than physical abuse, at least it differs and complicates the healing process, simply because the wounds are not visible.

There’s a mind-fuckery that goes with narcissism abuse, I would contend, as well. I liken it to erosion to your sense of self worth, and to slowly being boiled or microwaved to death - you aren’t made aware that it’s happening, it happens so subtly, so incrementally over time

That’s also why the detachment process is so hard. You’ve been trauma bonded and you feel that your sense of self is entangled with them (hence the common co-dependency of those who attract and stay with narcs).

When you’ve lived through this, it makes spotting narcissism, emotional abuse, and emotionally immature people very obvious, the blatant red flag warnings; they suddenly become siren bells screaming with flashing red lights, blinding you, when you see others display these attributes.

But, to return to their ‘performance’, I would also say this - I got a first hand look at how unoriginal my narc was, how textbook his love-bombing. He almost used word for word tactics that were similar with me as he did with his girlfriend. (I’m sure he also did that with ex-wife and that he’s doing it now with his current pursuit).

Narcissists are very unlikely to change. Because of the element of accountability and growth and self-reflection needed.

I am thankful that I am not someone who has one of these conditions like NPD or BPD that are especially hard to pursue, receive, and accept treatment.

I did travel that path for a while with alcoholism, but I have come to realize I am unable to drink normally. I also am thankful that I really don’t want to do so. The obsession has been lifted and I think God for that.

I think it ultimately comes down to this - people don’t change.

Unless they get tired of their own bullshit.

When they’re hurt themselves or another, or lost someone that shook them to their core and shattered their stability and sense of being.

I have lost many people over the last few years, many people who I thought I couldn’t live without. That I thought I would never live without.

I am thankful and I am much happier because of it.

Be careful of the narcs and the emotionally immature people out there. Many children masquerade as adults because of the bodies they inhabit and not because of their mental and psychological development.