Narcissism, Narcissistic Tendencies...

Mental health disorder? Shame-based, Fear of Failure and Mediocrity masked by arrogance?

I have been thinking a lot about narcissism lately.

We all know the ol’ myth of the man, Narcissus who fell in the water and supposedly drowned because he was too enamored with his own reflection.

So, narcissism is self love, to the extreme, to the hundredth power.

I think it’s true that we are all a little narcissistic at times. Maybe we’re all even narcissists at times, when we’re angry or emotional, struggling or suffering, any times our emotions so intense that they or WE take precedence over anything or anyone else.

We all likely have a story that we aren’t proud of, that we don’t want to tell, about a time when we exhibited those tendencies.

I know I do.

Is it just human nature? To occasionally be intensely ego-driven? Perhaps.

So then, when does it flood into the label, the category, the diagnosis that someone IS a narcissist?

Though I am certainly not a mental health specialist, I realize that I have encountered and had quite a few people close to me that exhibit some pretty strong, pretty classic—consistently and overtly narcissistic tendencies.

I do think/have read that narcissism is the result of unaddressed trauma. It is an attempt to overcompensate for shame, vulnerability, and insecurity of mediocrity.

I have met enough people and operated in academia and other social circles long enough to see that usually when people are bragging on themselves it’s because they need outward validation; they need to hear it themselves, to say aloud it to someone else, to have another confirm it. Again, to mask the insecurity.

We all have our own insecurities. Again, I think that we all do this from time to time.

However, these behaviors and attitudes, these actions, they become dangerous when yourself, your feelings, take precedence over others and are the most important.

I remember when my college professor used to say that our American culture and our generation’s parents told us that we were special and that we watched and listened too much to Barney, Sesame Street, that confirmed those messages. Essentially, that it’s ingrained in our cultural code. I also think of a history teacher who used to ask us— where do your rights end? And the answer was where another’s begun. In other words, when you can’t recognize that someone else matters as much as you.

I think of all the religious teachings—across the globe and all continents, regardless of whether they’re Judeo-Christian in tradition or mono or polytheistic, they all seem to share this common teaching:

Treat others as you, yourself, would like to be treated.

We humans, the mere mortal, the selfish, ego-driven beings that we are, we frequently require that reminder.

But for some, the notion that others matter just as much as me, seems to be a bit harder to fathom, to grasp, for it to stick with them, for that to resonate.

I have read that narcissism is a mental disorder. A mental health condition.

Is it? I don’t know. But I also think that that doesn’t mean that even if it is, it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do the work. Like any condition or mental illness, it’s still your responsibility to heal and to try to get better, to treat others better.

Because, again, when we are residing in those deep dark places of depression and severe mental health crises or depressive episodes, whichever your particular terminology may be, we too often have a tendency to—at best—ignore others and perhaps—at worse—to use them. To try to gain what we can from them, at their expense, only considering ourselves.

That—I believe—is when narcissist tendencies really surface.

Some are better at hiding this than others.

To read about it, covert narcissists differ from malignant ones in that covert ones do hide their selfishness and self-centeredness. Malignant ones don’t even try; they don’t pretend, it seems. They lack social etiquette or perhaps care less or nothing about masking their extreme self-centeredness and narcissism.

It also makes sense—I’ve started doing research on this—that empaths and narcissists are drawn to each other because an empath, someone who feels another pain and cares deeply, feels deeply, for humanity. But then, even more so for people whom they love, and they could easily be drawn into narcissist relationships. And that narcissists would/could/do feed off the empaths and their consideration and compassion and care. Since they would never tell the narcissist that their pain and they didn’t matter.

I also have read that a good portion of the population—between 7-10 percent of the population are narcissists.

But you don’t usually know for quite a while. They can be really good at covering it up. Because it suits them. And that is when—when they know you know (according to Dr. Rahmani) all hell can break loose. There can be vacillation between flattery and lovebombing and abuse and attacks.

Relational tendencies with these behavioral characteristics are rocky and unsteady, unstable, like you are walking on eggshells.

But, narcissists can also be incredibly charming. They know how to woo and have fun, because it’s all part of a ploy to use others and most possess enough social skills to put on the right appearance / keep face and say and do the right things. But outwardly only. Inwardly, they are overwhelmingly judgmental and in it only for them and sharply critical because they are often unhappy with themselves and projecting and deflecting.

I have both born witness to narcissists using their loved ones. I know I have used loved ones with my own narcissistic tendencies.

I suppose narcissism is the human condition, but, like many areas of human identity and behavior, it exists on a spectrum—similar to the spectrums of gender, sexual orientation, intro/extroversion, so too does narcissism.

I do have compassion for narcissists. Not just because I’m an empath but because I genuinely believe it a mask and a result of deep trauma and emotional stuntedness.

However, learning, knowing better, getting better to do better (Maya Angelou) is key.

As it is often said, our hurt and pain and trauma is not our fault but healing is our responsibility.

Ie—To not bleed all over someone who did not cut us.

I am insatiably curious, but I do try and often struggle to understand human behavior that seem to be areas of weakness that are so vastly different than my own (not that I don’t have my own fair share of limitations).

I am intensely curious about people and their social, mental and emotional tendencies:

What can cause one person to think themself so vastly and inherently superior to another? To think they are blessed with divine gifts of extreme attractiveness, brains and intelligence, blessed with paths to certain wealth, to be especially loved by God (aren’t we all?)

Humans are puzzling. They are fascinating. They are infuriating. They are devastating.

May we reflect on the degrees, the spectrums of narcissistic tendencies that we all have to keep from our own wants/needs/desires from (always) taking precedence at the expense over and use of others around us.