Narcissistic Charm,

the Lessons learned, and the self growth from rising from those ashes

Photo by Rena Zol on Unsplash

I was with relationship with a narcissist for four years. And during that time, it is amazing the amount of emotional manipulation, psychological abuse and nervous system dysregulation that I walked away with….having endured.

But -

I can’t imagine being raised by one.

We use the word, narcissist, so flippantly in this culture to describe anyone who is selfish or acting selfish.

But for those who have NPD - narcissistic personality disorder, they really are a unique and special breed.

I heard someone describe what they do to another was “soul murder,” especially if they are the parent and you are their child, often resulting in cPTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

They will gaslight them so intensely, they deny them their self perception, a solid grasp, understanding and acceptance of their own realities.

This is why narcissistic mistreatment of others has been described and likened to “soul murder.”

I saw a video on social media the other day that likened them to demons -

It made me laugh.

It may seem hyperbolic, such an exaggeration.

But unless you’ve been personally brutalized by one, it is really is astounding the lengths that they will go to terrorize another.

And hearing that, that others recognize their level of cruelty, can be very validating as well.

And why - ??

All because of their defiance to address their own untreated trauma and unhealed selves.

The other thing that is fascinating about narcissists is how they so adamantly play the victim card, evade accountability, and can not/will not self reflect and grow and develop.

As a result, they are extremely hard to treat in therapy.

I have even heard it said that part of the reason for this is because their whole internal monologue, landscape and approach is the antithesis of therapy -

Because doing the hard work of therapy really involves being uncomfortable and confronting and wrestling with some very hard truths about yourself.

They are simply unwilling to do that. And will go to any tactic to not have to look in the mirror.

So much so that they will weaponize therapy and they will find fault with the therapists time and time again, or their partner, since it or that or you - all of it their fault, outside of themselves.

My closest friend’s parent is a narcissist and to watch her try to crawl her way out of the mindfuckery that she was subjected to and what became normalized for her is…

Well, it’s mind-boggling. A real mind-fuck.

But, I think one of the more fascinating parts of narcissists is this -

Once you learn their tactics, they’re textbook in their approach. They’re so predictable that they’re unoriginal. Boring.

My favorite and most helpful one to learn was this -

With narcissists, all accusations are confessions.

That’s key.

So, they will accuse you of being the narcissist.

They will accuse you being selfish or manipulative or playing the victim card.

That doesn’t mean to say that we never are or can be.

But often times they are so good at criticizing others, because they do it as a red herring tactic to avoid or evade any internal issue that they really have, within themselves.

Knowing this is a game changer if you have a narc in your life.

The abuse of narcissists, especially if you’re not raised by them, is so subtle, so cunning, elusive and insidious, you don’t even realize it’s happening.

This is what causes people to say - at least if I was hit or verbally insulted all the time, I would know it’s wrong and they’re abusive.

But they can also be deceitfully charming.

Dr. Rahmani, who posts a lot on narcissists on her youtube channel, reminds us -

Too often we blame the victim.

Ie- Why did you stay with them?

The same old, familiar double victimization.

We also tend to say that loyal and wounded and trauma-bonded people attract them.

But, that’s not entirely true. Or the whole picture.

Yes, they may be more loyal to stay with them. Past the point where they should or that the narc deserves.

But the loyal person doesn’t always necessarily have a weakness that brings them in, and they aren’t weak by attracting or loving them.

Dr. Rahamani reminds us - that they are charming and charismatic people.

Who doesn’t like those kind of people?

Everyone likes someone like that.

Sure, it’s a show, but when they are on, they are so ‘on’ in their performative mask - so sweet, incredibly funny and witty, luring and attractive.

They read and study and learn you and give you what you want from them in a relationship from early on.

In a parenting relationship, they can shower you in love and affection at your most vulnerable times.

Essentially, what I’m saying is, it’s not all bad.

A lot of it was good, very good at the beginning, in a relationship.

And there can be some really tender moments where they esteem you. Where they thank you and you see their humanity. But -

But, it’s couched in selfish gain, an investment in what they see as a transactional relationship; they’re priming you to stick around and to withstand the forthcoming abuse and cruelty.

Because it is always forthcoming.

It is often times very difficult for people to understand this level of malignant behavior.

Believe me, it was for me too.

Had it not all blown up in my face in catastrophic proportions and I wasn’t given a first hand seat at the double-life and double-talk, even after our relationship had ended, I wouldn’t have thought him capable of all of this.

But I had a first hand seat to his texts, saved as proof and screenshots, to the other girl he was manipulating, what he said about me while saying to her the same love-bombing BS he told me a mere four years earlier.

It was disorienting and caused even more depersonalization for me.

It reminded me of the out of body experiences that I had felt after Dad’s and Jeremie’s suicides.

It was more trauma.

There’s a real chilling element when you realize -

You never really know someone.

You aren’t always aware of what they’re capable of.

You don’t know how they really talk about you to others.

I’ve experienced this in recent years by some people closest people, and it’s really quite the blow.

And for someone with trauma, it also really causes you stagger, as you question whether or not you can or should trust yourself anymore.

The haunting question for me presents as:

Can I be trusted with my judgment of someone’s character?

I certainly have had to wrestle with those questions.

Not only of my relationships, but with ‘friends’ as well.

It causes you to have to dig pretty deep to do some serious soul-searching.

And, upon closer reflection, when you allow people around you to be the type of people who regularly gossips, judge, compare themselves to people so they can feel better about themselves, and when there is a part of them that is happy and relieved at another’s weakness or addiction or problems, because it makes them feel better about themselves and morally superior -

They influence you to be like them as well.

It’s a reckoning, but the end result is a more selective process of who you want to be, and what you can be influenced by.

I also realize from all of that [my]self as friend and confidant can be a much safer place in which to exist.

Because though I have certainly lied to myself, I do strive to be as honest with myself as possible.

It’s why I’ve undergone countless types of therapy and gone heavy into books on my own issues - all of them.

I don’t want to put my head in the sand.

I want to heal.

Some people and how relationships end serve as very important lessons to the capability of people who are wounded, traumatized, insecure people. And refuse to get the help they need.

And I’ve seen it unravel in countless ways in recent years.