Narcs and the Damage they cause
to your Nervous systems, to your brain
I was speaking to a friend the other day and said, now that my memoir is tabled, for now- what am I working on next. I am working on an academic book, the Rhetorics of Trauma (in an era of unprecedented mental anguish).
But I also intend to write a book on narcissistic abuse in relationships, from the experiences of having a parent who is a narcissist and from having an intimate relationship, having them as a partner.
Knowing and being in a relationship with a narcissist is a real mindfuck.
And you often times don’t know who they are and what they capable of - so much so that when you find out/discover them, we refer to it as ‘the big boom’—when they know that you know.
I shared something about narcs the other day on social media and someone had posted, kindly, in response that they thought people needed help and treatment.
And I think that’s the thing right -
Normally, 100% - I believe all people with mental “illnesses” or psychological issues should be treated and that everyone deserves education, knowledge, and help about their issues.
But -
Narcissistic personality disorder is a behavioral disorder - which means that it affects not only themselves but also how they treat others in relationships, much like borderline personality disorder.
And, with NPD—one of the defining characteristics of it is the refusal to accept any accountability on their own part in anything, but especially in terms of their condition.
In fact, interestingly, those with NPD often times know that narcissism is not flattering and something to be avoided. So sometimes their ammo/weapon is to accuse YOU of being the narcissist.
And then, if you’re not a narcissist—as in having NPD, because we can all be a bit of a narcissist sometimes—greedy, selfish, interested in self/ego, etc—but, because we don’t have the condition - we do think—
“Gosh, am I? Am I a narcissist?”
Then we think about it and worry about it.
But a true narcissist—they will never do that.
Because they dismiss it, evade accountability, and refuse to accept that about themselves.
Their refusal to admit their situation makes them incredibly hard to treat in therapy. Because they are the victim and they don’t do anything wrong.
It’s also though quite interesting - one of the things I learned about narcs that was a total game changer for me was this -
Accusations are confessions.
Not just about being narcs, but about everything.
Ie — so they accuse you of being a victim, playing the victim role and card with everything.
It’s usually more a likely scenario that that is THEM, that they are talking about themselves.
My friend who has a mom who is a narc, she often accused her daughter of being selfish, prideful, ego-ist.
Totally describes herself.
It’s fascinating the psychological manipulation that they demonstrate, to keep you running circles around them.
And the breadcrumbing that they do, dispersing just enough love and affection to keep you coming around for more and tolerating abuse, more and more incrementally over time.
They erode your sense of self worth and value.
And with partnerships/intimate relationships, they start with the love bombing specifically so that they can then lure you in. Because it all seemed so good and was so perfect at the beginning - so you try to get back to that point, always, how wonderful it was at the start.
Interestingly, I have also read the narcs mirror back your best qualities and they reflect to you what you want to have in a relationship, and then promise those things. Or embody/show those things.
Of course, they fail to deliver them, but do promise them.
Once you learn about the classic narcissistic responses to situations and how they evade accountability, play the victim, and blame you, they all seem so boringly mediocre -
Their responses and reactions are textbook.
Fascinatingly, they perform and act in grandiosity to create this illusion (and self-delusion) of extreme rarity.
However, mostly, they are shame-filled, average people and they know that.
Hence, the delusions that they try to convince themselves of, and that they try to convince others of - they need it.
They need a hype-crew.
A cheer team, because they are unable to give that to themselves, their own affirmation of self.
It’s really sad.
But, also, the damage that they inflict about others is soul-crushing.
They literally fuck with your nervous system and cause dysregulation and brain damage.
cPTSD - complex post traumatic stress disorder is a common diagnosis of those who have undergone abuse as a kiddo, but also those who have suffered from narcissistic abuse.
My abuse (was compounded with the other traumas that had dysregulated my nervous system), but it only lasted 4 years.
For my friend, whose parent is a narc, it’s been decades.
This is all she has ever known.
Her nervous system has lived in a chronic state of dysregulation her whole life.
And only until 2 or so year ago, did she come to understand and learn that this was not normal.
This awakening, this seeing it all from a new lens, she has likened it to waking up and realizing she’d been in a cult.
It is jarring - to your whole existence.
I felt like the walls were collapsing in on me after I learned that my narc ex was leading a double life—
I can’t imagine if that was decades.
And it was a parent.
But- we can’t imagine a parent could be like that.
More specifically, too many of us readily dismiss a mother to be capable of that.
That’s why these stories and the true nature of NPD and more information is needed, to be dispersed to the general populace.
Because, unfortunately, we do a lot of damage in dismissing narcissistic abuse/survival/recovery, especially with a child of one.
Because we don’t believe people are capable of this.
It’s hard to stomach, to swallow - I admit.
I never would have believed it before - it’s why I stayed with him and why it was hard to come around to who he was and what he was capable of -
But it got to the point where it all imploded in my face, and now longer could I deny it all— the undeniable evidence of his deceit, lies, manipulation, then denial of it all when caught, and compounded cruelty.
I don’t want to believe people are hopeless. They are some self-aware narcs. But they are really in the minority.
The narcs in denial often inflict tremendous damage on their victims.
And the victims walk away shell shocked and completely unaware of what just happened and why they feel so shattered, their sense of self completely demolished.
Dr. Rahmani—who does a lot of work with narcs—she refers to them as demons. And I can understand why - for the immense, immense harm that they inflict on others.
They are sad, lonely, mediocre, pathetic, pity-worthy people.
But they are also hateful.
They also get just as much satisfaction from your anger and devastation at them when you hurt them, as they do when it’s a positive relationship and you’re singing their praises.
But they are also incredibly dangerous if you don’t know what you’re dealing with-
or, if you stick around in a relationship -
or, if you share DNA with them and they were parents who established your sense of normalcy.
For all of these bone-chilling reasons, narc awareness is so vitally important.