Omnipresent --> Invisible
The Mental Illnesses in my Family
“Mental illness was the watermark across my family. Something so omnipresent, it practically became invisible.”
~Tessa Hulls
(A watermark = a faint identifying mark placed on paper or digital content to show ownership, authenticity, or status.)
I hold a very different view on the symptoms, treatment and underlying root causes of “mental illnesses” than I used to.
I think of them now as unresolved trauma.
But the above quote echoed in my mind, when I read it in the book, Feeding Ghosts, because it is also largely true for my family.
And on both sides.
I come from a long line of descendants on both sides of my family who were mentally unwell.
It was so common, the ubiquity of their mental unwellness, that it—indeed—became invisible.
It became normalized - not only to children growing up within these dysfunctional families, but then marrying others who also were unwell and came from similarly unstable homes - breeding another generation — rinse and repeat.
I get it that treating trauma and the symptoms of mental health crises was out of the scope of reality for most of my family members.
Both because of lack of funds and access —
Simply put, we didn’t know enough in how to treat them, decades upon decades, and centuries ago.
Hell, we barely have enough knowledge now to help.
And that’s with the help of the internet, globalization, technology, and when you’re invested in the life-long pursuit of trying to heal your own mental illnesses that have been carried throughout your family for generation.
To try and engage, to be a cycle breaker, it’s not for the faint of heart.
It’s hard fucking work.
Largely because you’re carving out an entirely new way of existing - defying what generations before you did.
And, for some of us, without family support and understanding.
We’re made to just figure it out on our own.
I guess the favor I have—what is working to my benefit—is that everyone is dead.
So, no one is really is opposing the work that I do on myself, and in labeling the wounds and issues of my family.
My relatives aren’t going to objective to my efforts, especially when they’re mostly either underground or cremated, their bones ground into ashes, a fine powder.
But I did think about this quote because - there was so much mental illness in my family. So many different types—none of us were normal or atypical.
I see most of it was untreated and unresolved trauma - but it does manifest and present through any of the following—
depression/major depressive disorder
anxiety/generalized anxiety disorder
post-traumatic stress disorder
auto-immune disease
conditions of chronic pain and fatigue
substance abuse disorders
And, above all - nervous system dysregulation and a lack of emotional regulation as well.
Socially and behaviorally, my home when growing up, vacillated between complete shutdown and silent treatment for days and volatile screaming and swearing, and slamming things.
I used to think just the latter method [of anger and untreated and unresolved mental health crisis] resulted in a toxic environment.
I know better now.
Both created situations of walking on eggshells —
Of not trusting your voice, of self-expression -
So omnipresent it became invisible.
We don’t talk about these things.
About how fucked up we all are.
Instead, we drink, we smoke, we shove it down with food.
We swallow it, choking it down—until we sleep all the time or not at all.
Again and again and again -
For decades.
Until we’re all dead prematurely -
At some version of our own hand.
Even attempting to break free from that is an arduous task.
And it must start with making present that which was deemed [intentionally] invisible.
Identifying marks of mental illness - the ironic thing was that we tried to conceal them further, didn’t discuss their ubiquity -
Now, the conclusions, the manner of deaths, render them all the more—forever known—
Solidifying and establishing our family legend - the watermark of mental illness.