On Arrested Development
I heard the therapist, Dr. Nicole LePera, say online - Stop explaining yourself to someone with [emotional] arrested development. It liken to a brain injury, structural damage to a brain.
They may have 30, 40, 50 or more years on this planet.
But, emotionally, they may be much younger - 9, 5, 12. (Mentally and emotionally).
Sometimes people are stuck in that time and space, after they stopped getting their needs met (and if they didn’t do the reparative work to evolve beyond that point).
This results in little emotional regulation or very little self-awareness or introspection.
She ends by saying that—with these individuals—that there is very little that you can do to say or convince them to change or to see the light of day.
What you can do is to be aware of what is happening and to save/conserve your energy.
Humans are complex and may have growth and evolution some areas but not others.
Some may present as mature professionals, but be emotional toddlers.
Don’t we all know someone that falls into that category in some way shape or form, that we’re nuanced and contain multitudes?
But, it could be summed up with the simple but true statement of - with age does not come maturity.
It also reminds me that you have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there as well.
I say this as someone who cares and loves too deeply.
I was not always able to do this. I would stick around, prove my loyalty, believe in someone’s potential and the best in that person. Even when they couldn’t/wouldn’t. I would take them at their word over their actions, intent, behavior, willingness and desire to change.
But, I am understanding that many are unable or unwilling to move forward. Some are arrested in their own development.
Now, we all stagnate, and have to work harder at parts of ourselves, to heal and grow and evolve, and to overcome our trauma, our wounds, our points (that we all have) of arrested development.
However - I think Le Pera’s above quote is so important for those of us who have dealt with difficult people. Like those with narcs in our lives. Or who have dealt with emotionally immature people. Those who are abusive emotionally in their manipulative tactics of evasion.
I also think that even for those who don’t mean to do this intentionally, but how many people are simply stuck at a time period in their lives. Either from trauma, or when they started using substances. Or both.
And if they are new to healing work or haven’t done the important emotional homework on themselves, the intense labor, to address the wounds and to heal, then we so often times see tactics that are: prideful, ego-filled, shame-filled, deflective, evasive, avoidant, escapism -
All tactics that we also see in those who are children.
There are overlaps with those are under-developed emotionally.
The part that stood out to me was also this - you may understand what is happening and why it is happening, but do so without expending the energy to try and invest and heal and solve the other person.
The hard thing is that often times people aren’t able to or perhaps don’t want to understand that they are stunted.
I mean, I get it in that it’s not much fun to have to admit that - that we are children masquerading as adults in middle-aged or even senior bodies. That we ought to be full grown-ups, but that—in many ways—we are not.
So, instead, it’s easier to blame, deflect, project, or to play the victim card.
Ie- I am this way because of my parents or the shame put on me with my culture or someone else perpetuated this onto me.
When we are always dishing this up, we usually want our pain acknowledged. But, simultaneously, many of us are also adults, inflicting pain on others.
Now -
I say this as someone who used to be one of those people. Buried in trauma. Abusing substances. Blaming that. I was taking the express train to becoming an alcoholic. And I get it. And I understand that when we’re in such pain that a large portion of how we heal from trauma is to be heard, and acknowledged and validated and affirmed.
And yet, also - the unavoidable truth, the uncomfortable part, is also that that’s not all that we need. We need adult accountability as well. Because, while the wound may not be entirely your fault, the healing is your responsibility.
At some point we were all—and probably like still are—inner-wounded children, deep within.
And also, we are still accountable for the mal-adaptive behaviors that we took on and did unto others.
You really can’t properly heal without both of those elements.
You need to hold them both within your hands.
And so, I circle back around.
When people around you, especially as family and friends, in your personal lives, are unable or unwilling to do that, we will be unable to get them to see it.
Healing really only happens when we get tired of our own bullshit, examining and owning the role that we play in our own wallowing in misery, further extending our suffering.
But, the sad truth is also that some people never get there.
Some don’t want to.
It’s uncomfortable and hard.
It involves owning our shit.
Some people aren’t mature enough to get there.
Sometimes people aren’t willing/able to own up to their own past, their own painful tendencies onto self and others.
And we can’t reason with them or pull them up.
It’s a hard truth in life.
But, also, if we try, we may expend so much energy trying.
And all we’re really doing is pulling, in a losing game of tug of war, because we’re pulling on a stagnant heavy boulder.
If they aren’t ready to, aren’t willing to budge, then they simply won’t.
We will just exhaust ourselves trying to pull them along.
I have gotten to the point in my journey of trauma healing and recovery that I protect my energy.
I will gladly help those who are willing, but I am not going to try and convince anybody.
And I trust their intentions by their actions over words.
