On Change & Letting Go

Acceptance that some good-byes & change are for the best

I read this the other day and it gave me pause:

“Everyone isn’t a forever friend or lover. Some relationships are seasonal. People grow together and apart. Seasons change, connections shift, and that is okay. You can part ways without animosity or hard feelings. Everything isn’t always meant to be a lifelong thing. There is beauty in letting go and growing in different directions.”

~Alex Elle

It is so true. But it is not easy. I don’t think for most people, but, I can definitely say, it is not for me.

I loved two men, both very deeply. Each time I said good-bye to them, I had no idea that it would be the very last time that I would ever see them.

It sounds straight up like a scene from “Bridges Of Madison County.” It is.

(Similarly, I also had no idea the last time that I saw my father and my brother that this was forever. With my mother’s declining health, it was always more of a lingering possibility and so, each time I said good-bye to her, the last few times I saw her, I was cognizant and realized it. I took note to myself as a hugged here this could very well be the last time I saw her alive.)

But as for these men, who were so dear to my heart, they literally walked out of the door and out of my life. With either of them, did I think—”this is it.”

For one, I figured it would be a long time before I saw him again.

The other, I was confident that he was my life partner and I would see him only in a matter of a few weeks.

I believe I’ve written about it elsewhere, but I have always struggled with change. Since a little girl. I hated to move on from one grade, to another teacher. I dreaded leaving them behind, of everything changing.

I now realize that this is pretty indicative of the dysfunctional, unstable environment in which I grew up. I wanted consistency and predictability because my own home did not offer that, growing up the child of an alcoholic, who was frequently volatile and temperamental. A mother had great mental instability because of her depression and trauma.

(You don’t need a psych degree to put that together.)

But I have continued to struggle with change even as an adult. I know many do—to an extent. But others, not as much Some people are really great as seeing change as adventure, new horizons, that it can be very exciting.

And it can be, certainly. In my right mood and mindset, I have felt that way. I am getting better at this.

But, as Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher, said:

“Change truly is the only constant in our lives.”

All we know is that things will change. We will change. We will grow older. We will lose people who we love—whether to death or break up, or moves. We change unconsciously, we change unwillingly, unknowingly, and so do others, our most beloved, even when we don’t want them to, and that hurts. It can very very painful, excruciating even.

Still, and here’s the ironic part: I do realize that this is one of those areas where I am deeply contradictory.

The best experiences of my life and the ways that I have grown and developed, for the better, have all been because I made changes.

If I did not change, I would still have remained in Panama, NY, like many of my high school classmates did. Like many relatives of mine did. The way my parents did.

I knew that I had to change because I didn’t want my story to be similar, to be unchanged, from my working poor and dysfunctional family.

In order for all of that to change, I had to change: I had to move.

I had to go to college elsewhere. For more change, I had to pursue higher education. I had move abroad. I had to move out of state. To pursue my career higher, I had to leave my beloved partner behind.

Then, to preserve my own mental health and wellbeing, I had to leave him behind. I had to accept therapy, and help. Several times.

Change, change, change.

All major changes.

The hard truth of my life is this: though I never did well with change and was so scared and worried about it, there are those aforementioned, legitimate reasons for that.

But the “and also” part of that is this: I don’t want to remain stagnant. (ie-no change)

I realize that my life goal, my mission, is to change, for myself, for my family, for my ancestors. I am breaking intergenerational trauma and patterns.

That requires, demands, significant change.

Change is often scary, but it is also because it is uncertain.

Change can be good, wonderful even. But the problem is that when it is happening, slow to unravel, we may be unsure of whether this change is definably “good” or not.

Yet, there’s no way around it. It’s like hoping for our immortality. It’s fruitful.

I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by the author, Edith, Wharton. Ever since I was in middle-school, I heard it and loved it:

"The secret to a long and happy life can be uncovered:

If one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things and happy in small ways.”

To be human, in this world, to do this life, it all requires infinite amounts of change.

We can either go kicking or screaming (which I have tried at many points throughout my life).

Or, we can listen to the wise words of singer, James Taylor.

“Since we’re only here for awhile, we might as well enjoy the ride.”

Here’s to hoping that your 2023 is full of changes of only the best kind, and when they challenge us, may we grow better and stronger because of them.

Amen.