On loving and holding beloveds fiercely

Photo by arty on Unsplash

I have missed my mother fiercely these days.

It’s for many reasons - why I think the ache of missing her feels so intense as of late—

1-Grief is in waves and stages and not ever complete.

2-Of course, that I am sober and feeling all the feelings now.

3-But, I also think, that the nature of too many losses all at once was that I could never grieve her properly.

Because six weeks later Jeremie was gone and COVID preoccupied all of us.

But I ache for her.

Today I was thinking how thankful I am that I live in a time and age where I can listen to her voice, saved on voicemails, any time that I want to.

Because at the grief group that I went to, one of them said - I can’t remember my mother’s voice. And that she thought she’d never forget what it sounded like.

But she did.

I empathize with this, because while I have my mom’s voice, and Jeremie’s, -

I too can’t remember my Grandma Donelson’s voice any longer.

I can readily and easily recall some of the things that she would say or how she called me “Dolly” or “Peanut,” but I can’t actually hear her voice in my mind.

It is so heart-breaking.

I have been sitting with this lately.

And, also, with pre-emptive grief.

My closest friends and neighbors—who have become my family in Kentucky - they are both seniors - one is 96 and the “young” one will be 90 in November.

I would [have to] be a fool not to think about losing them.

Or, I suppose, I would have had to never have lost anyone very near and dear to my heart.

And that is not the case.

So, I realize that the time I have them in life is fleeting.

Probably.

Of course, we never know -

But, I think on it, often.

Perhaps I am overly sentimental or emotional -

Maybe it’s because we have started another war -

But whatever the reason -

I am reminded of how fleeting our time here on Earth is.

I am also reminded of how fragile and precious life is.

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"It's such a constant deep ache to live with: to love so much and to know we will lose each other."

~Glennon Doyle

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That is all, friends.

Love fiercely and hold your beloved close.