Paying attention to your nervous system

And to those who bring you peace

Photo by Christopher Sardegna on Unsplash

I read today online:

“You think you’re an introvert because you like being alone. But in reality, you just love being at peace. And you’re actually extroverted around people who bring you peace.”

~Zachary Laid

This stopped me.

I have always identified as a pretty strong extrovert. I always knew I wanted to be around people and loved talking and the energy of others - whether talking one on one, being in a large crowd at a party, or even amongst strangers, in a coffee shop, movie theatre, or Farmer’s Market.

Part of my healing journey has been to realize that I can be much more introverted than I ever thought -

With a more regulated nervous system.

Like any person, we have need for time with others and time alone - it defines human beings, autonomy and also that we’re social beings.

I had been mistakenly thinking that I was healing my nervous system, which is true. And in being more regulated, I also not only can stand to be alone but enjoy being alone as well these days.

But I was thinking about this today because while I do tend to steer clear of social interactions a lot more than I used to, I also relax into them -

But only with the right people.

The people who engage in reciprocity - talking and listening, who are calm themselves, who perhaps also have a more regulated nervous system.

I think this is also why—though I can and do keep calm around students who are incredibly anxious and fidgeting and appear to have a very dysregulated nervous system, -

I also don’t enjoy or feel fulfilled from those types of social interactions anymore.

Arguably, I never did.

But I was so hungry and desperate for any interactions that I felt like I needed to be around people, because of my trauma and feeling lonely and abandoned ( I thought) and because I was a hopeless extrovert.

Now though, I realize that it was because of my dysregulated nervous system.

Now that I’ve calmed that down, enjoying the fruit of those labor, I also realize that I safeguard it.

I think some people refer to this as ‘protecting their peace’.

I have gotten a lot more choosy and selective of those whom I interact with. Beyond the necessity required with my career.

Some of my closest community members here are people 89 and nearly 96 years old.

I have always had a proclivity to older folks, ever since I was a very small girl - my mother would tell me I would run around the nursing home and make friends and socialize there, when she took me, because she was visiting her grandmother with Alzheimers.

I think though that now, it’s even moreso.

Because they aren’t in so much of a hurry.

They aren’t constantly yolked to their phones the way that us younger people are.

They can just be, listen, and talk, in casual conversation, at least better than most people can, especially those who are under 45.

As phone addictions and reliance on them for comfort and social interactions rise, Americans grow more and more isolated.

We spend more time alone. We lose out on being with others, in community spaces, with family, because we spend so much time behind a screen - either on our laptop, tablet or phone.

I recently saw a fascinating comparison of the amount of time humans used to spend with family, friends, and community members and how it shifted after the appearance of computers and tv screens, and then absolutely flipped, doing a dramatic reversal in the bar graph after the addition of smartphones.

We do tend to talk to one another less.

We have known this a long time, most of us.

But what I realized after reading this post and reflecting on my own interactions and time with people is this -

The more regulated your nervous system is - the more you protect your peace.

I will - obviously - continue to do my job and hold space for students - because I also believe that a regulated nervous system can be contagious and have far-reaching positive impacts on those around us. If we - those who have one—can demonstrate calmness.

However, beyond what is required of me, as for my preferred time socializing and being around others, interacting in one-on-one social interactions, —

I will continue to protect my peace.

I worked too long and have fought too hard for regulated nervous system -

To not protect it. To protect myself.

To honor the social interactions, of what serves it and what harms it.