Resisting the thing

And the thing persisting

It’s hokey, but have you heard that saying - what you resist, persists?

I resisted for so long not wanting to be alone - either trying to be in a relationship, constantly communicating with people or befriending people I didn’t truly recognize for their characteristics and personality. Because I was desperate to try to emotionally regulate myself by proximity to people. To manage anxiety, to feel less isolated, alone, abandoned and depressed.

It took a long time but one thing I realized, after a lot of heart-ache, was that there are so many people - ones I was in relationships with and ones I was friends with that made truly even more alone. They made me feel even lonelier.

And I had to grow to stop looking outside of myself for that comfort.

I resisted being alone - the fear of what that would mean. After having seen co-dependence modeled growing up, and women yolked to their men - husbands and children, I emulated that, defying my mother’s wisdom and marrying too young. (Do as I say not as I do, did not apply for me in this area, unfortunately. I was hell bent on getting hitched before I knew myself or had grown up. I attached my self to a very good person but we had a very co-dependent relationship.

I resisted being alone, fearful, not knowing how to just…be.

I drank to stop feeling so alone, so abandoned by my family.

I drank to self-medicate and to escape reality.

I was blind to much of what was happening around me and to people I was close to and the comments they made even to my face, extending benefit of the doubt that I know scratch my head at -

Why didn’t I think that comment was revealing to their true personality and colors?

Why did I never learn that jokes weren’t aren’t all kidding but contain the elements of truth that people try to soften by minimizing it as “just a joke.”

Why didn’t I believe that we ought to really believe who people are when they show us?

If I had taken them at face-value and to heart, I wouldn’t have felt so gullible now, so vulnerable, so oblivious.

But, my ability to see all of this clearly was certainly clouded - anesthesized, traumatized, in a fog.

I resisted being alone, and I am now - more alone than I ever thought possible. I have wonderful people but they don’t live around me. I have a few people who form my community here.

I was thinking about that saying because I also recall hearing that you will keep making the mistake again and again, re-injuring yourself, suffering in the pain, until you learn the lesson -

I have learned oh, so many lessons, that took me a while to learn.

Most importantly, I realize that - now that I am finally on my own side, and clear-minded in sobriety, having undergone a lot of therapy, and gotten some perspective -

And while I am very alone now, that’s not a bad place to be.

With myself.

I realize that I much prefer it to the company of many others. I prefer my books and myself and my small corner of the world, where I can be kind and of service to others, and be genuine with them, because I am now genuine with myself.

I resisted solitude and it persisted. Even when I had company - I was still alone. Until I found myself. Until I calmed my central nervous system down. Until I surrendered to God. Until I got sober. Until I learned I am with myself and I’m an interesting person to hang out with.

I used to wish I had a lot more people in my life, family and friends and community. I very rarely feel that way anymore, which is a huge shift for me.

I now realize that the quality of the people matters - myself included.

Being alone is not the worst thing.

The worst thing is being with others who make you feel alone -

I am not alone now, nor lonely.

I am cocooned and I am fulfilled.

Thankful and way more introverted than I ever could have imagined.