Revisioning my emotionally abusive relationship

with a narcissist

“For me, understanding my identity has been a means of survival, of knowing that the trauma I’ve endured in my life doesn’t have the last word, but it can compel me to do the work I do in the world.”

~Kaitlin Curtice

Lately, as I heal from heartache, betrayal and abuse, and all the other trauma, I have flashbacks. I remember all the moments where I gave my narcissist ex the benefit of the doubt, that his intentions were pure, and not driven by selfish desires and his own ego, because he loved me.

I realize how wrong I was.

I put together all the very many red flags that I ignored, even journal entries where I pleaded with myself, advocating for me and laying out his ill treatment of me—

It is hard not to mentally berate myself for how I allowed myself to be treated.

Like many women, I am the hardest on myself.

But I realize that not everyone is like this.

My ex, for example, is rather self-congratulatory in his mediocrity and easily forgives himself in his mistreatment of others. I am sure he doesn’t lose sleep over the way he has mistreated the women in his life.

It is my common story to mentally beat myself up about my own failure to advocate for myself and how long it took to extricate myself from this abusive relationship.

But—rather than falling back on old habits, I am instead revisioning this.

Instead, I take stock of all that I withstood and endured, even while traumatized beyond this relationship.

I instead choose to think of my emotionally abusive relationship in this way—

Look at what I endured and the strength that I showed to persist in healing and growth despite it—with it all—

My miscarriages, the death of my mother, the suicide of my brother, then COVID, a precarious job, then finding a new one, all while helping him to provide a stable home when his daughter visited for vacations and a month in the summers—

I did all of this while actively working to get better, while healing myself, and gaining strength after being beaten down again and again—not only by the circumstances above, but by his incredibly emotionally manipulative behavior—gaslighting, trauma bonding, deflection and projection, victim mentality, emotional outbursts, silent treatment, etc.

Although he likes to take credit for “taking me in” and “saving me,” as though I were a homeless street urchin, the truth is—

I would have made it without him.

And he made my life infinitely harder rather than easier.

But I survived and even grew to thrive in spite of him, not because of his support.

He was the cause of so many misunderstandings oh so much more difficult with his poor communication skills, lack of accountability and lack of self actualization.

I was sleepwalking and in survival mode. And he was, ultimately, always more concerned with himself, than with me.

But I choose to focus on this, because it is the truth:

I am proud that despite all the shit that happened and all that he added to it, that I still worked on myself. I exercised. I did EMDR therapy. I even tried to help our relationship and sought out a counselor for us. I pursued alternative healing methods like improving of my microbiome and biofield tuning. I wrote, therapeutically. I found myself a position to advance my career, and ultimately, when push came to shove, I chose myself over him.

Even when I didn’t realize that that was what I was doing, I did.

I am proud that I have evolved because I humble myself and am honest with my own limitations and what I need to work on. And most importantly, I do the work.

I no longer believe the lie that I was the sole problem in our relationship, and because of that—

I will grow, while he will spiral and repeat his cycles of toxic relationships, as a narcissist does with the love bombing, then emotionally abusing.

Reframed in this way, this perspective frees and affirms me. And I realize what I always knew: I am much stronger than I realized.

I have given a lot of credit to the emotional support I have received from loved ones around me during my challenging times. Including my relationships.

While I do need a lot of emotional support, that is true, it is how I am, I now realize that the reciprocal relationships that I had, they were always through the support of friends and a few dear relatives, my chosen family, not the relationships I had with men.

Relationships with men in the last 8 years have only drained me.

This is why I am so happily single now.

I am taking all the love and care and devotion—and I am a naturally very loyal and nurturing person—and am pouring it all out into me, rather than into a man and children.

And I have never been happier to be doing this—owning my own power. Reclaiming my voice and exercising my own autonomy.

Somewhere, amidst all the trauma and grief, I lost sight of myself and my own power. But I forgive for myself for this. Because I am coming into myself. I am becoming.

I wake up in the morning now, and take in all that I’ve overcome. I recognize myself as a warrior and survivor, and I rejoice in that I am now someone who has moved on from the survival mode that I existed in for so long.

I feel the surge of potential coursing through my veins, illuminating my aura, and—honestly— it feels so damn good.

I am free. I am powerful. And damn, I’m strong.