Self care as mindfulness

and working through pain

“Self care is the constant practice of not letting more pain accumulate. It is about continually remembering that our lives are of value. It is the active process of settling our nervous systems so that we have more access to the present moment.”

~Susan Raffo

I recently finished the book, My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending our Hearts and Bodies. In this book, therapist, Resmaa Menaken discusses the need to heal and ways we may engage in bodily healing from trauma and intergenerational pain. (For those who experience racism, but also any kind of intergenerational trauma or pain.)

He quotes Raffo several times, but I appreciate the above quote because it addresses a few different aspects of self care that we often times don’t perhaps consider when thinking through what is self care.

1—Life is indeed painful. So many things in this life, this world, parts of the human experience cause great pain. We—humankind—need to find ways to alleviate that pain—whatever kind it is, in healthy coping strategies. Too many of us push on, we repress, we self-medicate. So, this quote reminds me that—part of self care—is acknowledging this pain and working through it. (Resmaa Menaken calls this “clean pain,” as opposed to “dirty pain—interesting concept.”)

2—I also appreciate that that the quote brings attention to how self care isn’t just pampering, for those who are high maintenance, or for those of us who are wealthy enough to think about such things, but we all have need for it. We all have value and worth in attending to our needs that must be acknowledged.

3—Raffo also notes that these acts do calm our central nervous systems. Whether we do breathing, yoga, exercise, meditation, etc, we all need to find ways to get greater peace and calm in our lives. Our central nervous systems can be heightened when we’re anxious, traumatized, in pain—physical or emotional—and self care maybe should acknowledge that we need to work to actively calm our central nervous systems.

I’ve been having intentional discussions with my university seminar students on the need for self care, encouraging them to think about what it means and what it looks like for them, considering options and types. We have spent some class time brainstorming ideas and strategies this week during our first week.

During one class, a student reminded us about that self care can look like a few moments of being mindful.

She said we need not spend a whole day dedicated to self care in order for us to really engage in an act of self care.

Instead, she gave this really simple example of just allowing a piece of chocolate to melt on your tongue. And enjoying that.

I smiled so big when she said that. I loved that reminder.

It reminded me of how important intentionality and mindfulness are, the effort we need to make to be present and engaged in whatever we are doing at the moment.

So many of us—myself very much included— too often simply go through the motions. Sometimes this is out of necessity. We are busy, with a million things to get done. Some people have kids and families that require a lot of time or busy careers.

Others, have learned to more often just experience existence in the digital realm, through virtual experiences on our smartphones, through tiktok, youtube videos, snapchat, etc. We don’t always center our bodies and experience things in…what? Real time? Is that what we call it nowadays?

The need to be present and mindful is something I need to work on. It can be especially challenging, however, for those of us with mental illnesses, or conditions like anxiety or PTSD or trauma, or ADHD, or overthinking, to allow our minds to wander or flit from thought to thought, taking us outside of present life and experiences.

One way perhaps to do this is to bring us back to breath. And to our senses.

That is also why I appreciated my student's to reminder to enjoy taste.

I was also reminded of this, recently, after I came down with COVID. Like many others, I lost my sense of taste and smell. For this lover of food, I was disappointed and anxious for it to return. Eating was not pleasurable in the least.

So, when I was able to finally taste my coffee again, it was pure bliss.

I normally enjoy the first sip of my first cup of coffee in the morning, but quickly go through the routine, the motions of drinking the rest of the cup (and another, and another-hah). Though I enjoy it, it’s habit and routine. I am not often present and mindful with the experience of really tasting the coffee…

Sadly, it took losing my taste buds to remind me of the gift, to bring me back to the mindfulness of drinking and tasting and enjoying coffee.

Self care looks different for different people, and it varies from day to day, or moment to moment.

But, acknowledging and working through pain, calming the nervous system, and being present—all very important and perhaps less acknowledged elements of self care.

Hope you find some time for yourselves to do this today, to value your worth and honor yourself, however that looks for you.