Shame and Self Annihilation of cPTSD survivors
But you can't neglect healing of the nervous system -
Part of the reason that I spend so much time discussing shame related to trauma-survivors, specifically for those of us with cPTSD, is because I think it’s hard to understand just how deep-rooted this shame is.
I get that it’s hard for others who don’t have cPTSD and inner-shame to understand how our identity as survivors gets wrapped up in shape - I can scarce make sense of it myself.
But - here are the reasons why I think we need to frame it properly:
1-We hear the word ‘shame’ a lot, and we relegate it to an emotion. What’s an emotion? Passing, fleeting. Or, it should be.
But when shame gets stuck, and it’s chronic, and with cPTSD survivors, it becomes not only something you feel but who you are; we take it on as an identity.
2-I also read this today on social media from David Bedrick, and it gave me pause:
He likened it to wrapping up the injury on your hand and denying it existed, dismissing its significance and blaming yourself for the hurt - even if/when it was inflicted upon you.
He claimed that “witnessing an injury with denial, gaslighting or total neglect, that’s the etiology of shame.”
You blame yourself, that I am too sensitive, and you develop an “internalized belief system that dismisses your feelings, distrusts your experience, and blames yourself for being hurt.”
You have likely been gaslight a lot, so it only comes naturally, so you gaslight yourself.
Bedrick further explains, “you learn to hide your wound, and the gift that surrounds it. You learn to deny your story.”
He then articulated that this shame exists as a form of “self-annihilation.”
This is why abuse survivors are so susceptible to deep ceded shame.
3-Lastly -it’s entangled with your nervous system dysregulation and brain damage.
Here, I consider a dear friend of mine whose mother has NPD and whose father is emotionally immature.
They have gaslit her for her whole life.
When I met her, she would constantly put the onus of work on herself- and to help her situation, and these relationships, her conclusion was always -
“I just need to rewire my brain.”
I can’t tell you how many times I heard her say that.
Because she thought she needed to do better with her thinking -
I mean, it makes sense. That’s what she had been taught and internalized for her whole life.
The fault is yours - you need to think and act better.
Also, though, and here’s the real kicker -
You can’t outthink a dysregulated nervous system.
You can’t reason your way out of the brain damage that your brain has suffered from narcissistic abuse.
That’s why somatic healing and release, EMDR, polyvagal theory, energy healing, sound therapies, active aerobic exercise, hot yoga, —all body work, are so fundamentally critical to the healing journey of those with embodied trauma.
Essentially, you can’t outthink your shame if your nervous system is out of wack and your brain is posed for hypervigilance.
We in western countries and medicine over-emphasize talk therapy and cognition - but some injuries and brain damage require a different approach.
After my traumas of two family members’ suicides, narcissistic abuse - this has been the biggest takeaway that I needed to learn - to help me to heal my brain/body/spirit.
Most people at this point will reference The Body Keeps the Score, by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. And it is a wonderful text, but only one of many, to help us understand the need for somatic healing on the body.
Peter Levine, Mariel Buque, Resmaa Menakem are also ones to check out for additional resources.
If you have been abused, like from narcissistic abuse, or had other trauma(s), you need help to calm your body/nervous system down.
It is not your fault.
The shame you carry is your injury.
But to address it, please don’t only rely on psychotherapies, talk therapy, CBT, DBT -
It’ll only get you so far.
We need to transcend the mind-body binary trap -
It’s a dead-end, a turnaround that never lets you exit.
It’s a record on repeat.
