Shame, Shame, Shame

Did you know for those with PTSD - it's an emotion in a different part of your brain and internalized, influencing your sense of self-worth/identity?

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I read today a post that said, “PTSD made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of love, support and kindness.”

But it lied.

The internalized feeling of shame that accompanies PTSD as well as those with cPTSD can be a hard one for people to understand.

I don’t necessarily blame others; it’s hard for ME to understand. And I’m living with it.

Someone once told me that they thought I was punishing myself for my mistakes and failed marriage, and that was why I allowed a narcissist into my life and and head, putting up with his antics/bull shit -

I think it’s very easy to put that on someone that you were the ones that allowed this to happen, and so you bear responsibility for the way you were mistreated and the corresponding internalized shame.

And I did believe this - for a long time -

Guess what it did?

It only compounded my shame. Ten fold.

The notion that - It’s all my fault.

Now, I’ve read both that those who attract and allow narcissists into their lives have healing to do themselves - some sources say that. That they are co-dependent, loyal to a fault, people-pleasers, etc.

However, other sources say that this isn’t entirely true or the whole picture, because narcissists aim high and they try to surround themselves with people who are sensitive, loyal, caring, high achievers, leaders, intuitive, caring, empathetic - to make the narc look good, to look better then they are.

Those who put up with a narc, it’s the deadly combination of the empathy and the loyalty that keeps the narc around.

Now, I don’t deny that I was trauma bonded with my ex.

How could I not be? I was in the thick of the relationship when my brother completed suicide, suicide number two.

I do tend to overthink and I realize that -

But I also tend to try to think about the ways that perhaps my own ‘brain damage’ or neuro-diversity’ /neurological changes have impacted me since the trauma -

The cPTSD.

Because science does support that those with a traumatized brain do have an altered brain -

Changes to neuro-transmitted, the amygdala, the hippocampus and the pre-frontal cortex are all changed as a result of PTSD.

The whole ‘it’s all in your head’ thing - it’s easy to dismiss -

The projected—you allowed this to happen and it’s your fault - is easy to just accept that as well.

Now, don’t misunderstand me - in stating this, it doesn’t entirely negate or remove my free will or choice in the relationship, of course not.

But I give myself grace that I wasn’t working at full brain capacity.

It’s not as simplistic as this is the destiny that you manifested.

Shame. It comes in many forms.

Shame that I came from this family.

Shame that I can’t heal myself.

Shame that I’m not strong enough to just accept this all.

Shame to not miss a beat.

Shame to have my battle scars.

Shame that the Donelsons were broken, and I - by extension - am broken. And always will be.

Shame that I couldn’t heal right away.

Shame that I drank to sleep and manage anxiety and my feelings of being deserted by my family.

Shame, shame.

Do you remember that some of us used to do that as kids - hold out an index pointer finger to another and then rub the other index finger across it, and we’d go - “Shame, shame, shame!”

I hadn’t thought about that in years, until just now.

But - shame is different than embarrassment.

It’s not that you did something bad - guilt or humiliation.

Shame is your taken on identity- I am bad.

To put it another way, “Shame is a highly complex, socially important emotion that involves the negative evaluation of the self” (Tracy & Robins, 2004).

I also learned this, which I think is fascinating:

“Like other self-conscious emotions (e.g., guilt and pride), shame requires frontal-cortical cognitive processing, which makes it distinct from basic emotions housed in limbic structures, such as disgust and fear” (Lanius, Frewen, Vermetten, & Yehuda, 2010).

So, that basically means that we use a different part of our brain in feeling shame - which helps us taken on that internalized shame. We may be tempted to homogenize all emotions as coming from the same place, functions alike within our brain, but it is not the case.

People with PTSD struggle with feelings of self esteem and self worth.

Because of this internalized shame.

We feel vulnerable; we feel helpless.

Brain alteration, a common symptom, an integral part of our healing that doesn’t just go away.

We can’t just think it away -

It’s part of why we need healing and therapy to help us to adjust to our new brains - one of the component of which is this deep internalized sense of shame.

The more I learn about symptoms of PTSD and the more I realize the elements of shame and how they manifest and are internalized, and affect the survivors, the more I realize just how deeply ceded this is - within myself and within people who have trauma (PTSD, cPTSD) and are trying to heal from it.

I also set with this -

How much other people perpetuate harm, even when they don’t meant to do so - through gaslighting, —further blaming/ harming of those who have PTSD and cPTSD.

We need to be heard and have our stories told in safe spaces to heal - this isn’t just a feel-good platitude, trauma experts agree that this needs to happen for healing.

It is also the difference between those who are likely to experience ongoing affects and symptoms of trauma in the form of PTSD and those who don’t (Gabor Mate).

Did you have someone to talk to, to have someone witness your story and your survival - or not?

I also start to realize how much gaslighting takes place - is that your trauma? Is it bad enough? And how much victim-blaming and double-victimization -

Well - but you put up with it.

Well - but you allowed it to happen.

You don’t have to have suicides to carry trauma and internalized shame like this. Perhaps yours comes in the form of psychological or emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, incest, sexual abuse, etc -

I know other trauma victims who were sexually abused who said -

I probably just shouldn’t have said anything.

I shouldn’t have told anyone.

I should have taken it to the grave.

What does that say?

It says that they are shamed and internalized that this is my fault and I should have managed it -

Not - it was wrong what happened to me. It was not my fault.

It’s rather devastating.

I sit with and try to grapple with how much victim-blaming and double-victimization takes place. How we don’t hear or witness others’ stories. How much internalized shame is a part of trauma survivors and what we do with that.

I think the first thing is to help people understand that for those with PTSD, shame is not a fleeting emotion. It isn’t something you momentarily feel and then you move on from.

No, it’s an internal battle of internalized/brain altered sense of shame.

And it deeply fucks with your sense of self-worth.

Now, I’m a professor. I’m fairly intelligent to know this. I think many would think - she’s survived a lot. She’s done a lot. Why/how could she be shamed?

In my head, intellectually, cognitively, rationally, I know those things.

And I know that I should forgive myself and I shouldn’t feel shame. I know that there was a lot that ‘happened to me’ that I am still reeling from.

I KNOW that.

And yet, I still feel shame. That I can’t help or think away.

The former doesn’t cancel out the latter.

It’s an ongoing reckoning, a healing. It needs transformation and evolution.

Please be patient and kind to those with trauma and reconsider their feelings of shame and perhaps altered sense of selves and self worth.

If you don’t have personal experience with it, please just know that —

When you hear PTSD, it’s not just flashbacks and triggers - for many of us, shame is a deeply, deeply internalized sense of identity that we battle with.

The article: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7500058/

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