Spinning myself

into being

"She had, finally, spun herself fully into being. "
~Americanah
--Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche

I just finished Americanah, by Adiche, a beautiful Nigerian (Igbo) author, someone who I had the pleasure of hearing speak in North Carolina a year and a half ago. A brilliant storyteller.

This line gave me pause.

My journey this academic year, and even moreso since the beginning of 2023, has been focused on doing a lot of self-growth and healing work. While this has been my journey ever since my family members’ deaths in 2020, it has (had to) amp up even more, since recently, learning of my partner’s betrayal. Since our break-up, I have sat with my reality:

A recently single, childless, divorcee who is almost 40.

(Or, another story: A self-sufficient, traveling, intellectually curious professor.)

Normally, though I had never admitted it aloud, the first reality would cause me to feel purposeless, but instead, I now set with my solitude, and I am learning to relish it and the freedom, my own autonomy.

I’ve written about it previously, but my latest point of growth is to embrace that I am my own hero, my own knight in shining armor, not a damsel in distress.

I was so angry and hurt, but now, I am grateful for what the lesson taught me:

Because my safe person proved himself to be very unsafe, very damaging, untrustworthy and selfish, a true narcissist. And while that was devastating, and I felt that I would crumble, I did not. I was bruised, but I am resilient.

It hurt like hell and I was re-traumatized, momentarily stumbling, but I realized I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse. I am much stronger and more resilient. I refuse to stagnate or be destroyed by man who did not deserve me or treat me right anyway.

Instead, I learned, I rallied, and I rose. I am rising.

Through this experience, I have learned that I can be, and will continue to be, my own safe person.

I wish that I could say that this had always been the case. But it has not.

I married (too) young. I am an empathetic, sensitive, intuitive and compassionate woman in a patriarchy. I absorbed the teachings, the example, set forth by my mother to exist for others, her husband and children. I absorbed the cultural teachings that women ought to be nurturers and providers and selfless to the point of self denial and self harm.

I made other people my validation and reason.

Now, I am consciously choosing not to do this anymore. Every day.

I am taking care of myself, learning to trust myself, and to be very kind, caring and nurturing to myself.

I see the ways in which men constantly choose themselves, without guilt, and I am giving myself permission to do the same.

On the one hand, I could grieve the lost years, where I did not do this.

Instead, I choose to rejoice that I am learning to do this, when oh-so many other women—my beloved mother, included—could never do this. Did never do this.

I am.

I am a whole person in my own right.

I don’t need any man or children to feel validated.

I am endorsing myself (because I am listening to my own intuition and realizing my own honest opinion about how I feel about myself is what matters). I am leaning on and sustaining myself through my amazing women friendships.

I have realized over the last few months that women are my life blood, my hydration, the sustenance for me. I do not need men or children or lavishness in my life, but I do need my female friends. And I’m so glad that I have them. They are reciprocal.

I know that I’ll never stop spinning myself into being, but I am starting to see the weave, taking shape in a beautiful mosaic of colors, that is all just me.

So wonderfully, only me, and I like what I see.

I am starting to appreciate and love myself. And I am starting to demand better for myself. And it’s a wonderful feeling.

I am treating myself as a friend, tending to my wounded inner child, and, like a withering plant, I am starting to thrive from the additional TLC and care and water I’m giving myself.

I hold myself upright now; I walk taller, feel more confident and I feel fucking liberated.

I’m a very loyal friend and a fabulous life partner, but, I’m tabling that for now. I am taking all of that copious love and care and pouring it all on myself.

This will make my future relationships better. Because I know that I subsist just fine on my own. I even thrive.

But for now, I am just…being. And, most importantly, I am enjoying the results—I am blooming.

I am starting to understand what it means to spin yourself into being. And I am taking great pleasure in that.

No wonder there are strategic factors at play, designed to keep women down.

We are powerful when we start to say, no fuck that, and instead, focus on ourselves and rise.