That moment when you're tested

Photo by Kike Salazar N on Unsplash

I have one week left. One week from today until I am officially a year sober.

I am traveling for a conference. And tonight I went out with a few friends for dinner. I ordered a virgin margarita.

I was two sips into it when I realized it - it wasn’t virgin. It was alcoholic.

I realized it was strong. I realized that it already made me looser, even after two sips. Only two sips, but it’s tequila, and I’m not used to drinking anymore.

Now seems an important time to center that -

We are alcoholics because we want more and more alcohol.

We are notorious for that - the disease of more.

With alcoholics, one drink is too much and twenty is not enough.

I have often hear it said - We don’t pick up the first sucker drink, we say, so as not to get drunk.

Even one drink can awaken a desire to drink more and more and more. And we lose control to stop.

So, we don’t drink at all. Because we know that if we do, then we want more and can’t stop.

So, it’s dangerous for us to drink alcohol. This is why we abstain.

I have grown to tremendously value my sobriety. It’s created a lot more peace, and health and restful sleep in my life; it’s lessened my anxiety and reduced the self-induced chaos in my life.

So after I drank alcohol, even on accident, I felt…tremendously disappointed when I realized it. I felt like I had almost made it to a year.

But—I stopped.

I also had to seek out the waiter, confirm that she knew I had asked for a virgin margarita; she was surprised and apologetic, I got a new drink, this one a mocktail.

I had to make the conscious decision to stop drinking and to admit to the friends that I was eating dinner with that I was not drinking now.

I understand that it was an accident and that I can still claim sobriety, because I stopped.

But there was still a heavy, sinking feeling, of tremendous letdown, even if it was an accident and I didn’t ask for the libation.

When people who have struggled with substance abuse accidentally ingest their addictive substance of choice, it can be a very scary moment. Because you worry it’ll awaken the desire to drink more and more and more - losing control, losing your sobriety, and the conscious choice to abstain from alcohol.

I also realize that getting even a little tipsy or loose from one drink isn’t something I want to do anymore. I don’t want to feel a loss of control. I know where it has led to me in the past, and I want to remain fully in control of my senses.

Alcohol is too wrapped up in my self-medicated and escapism and how I mismanaged repression and grief in the past.

I can’t drink.

But I am proud of myself that I didn’t keep drinking tonight, even after I was served one.