The difficulties in adequately portraying Narcissistic Abuse

You could be like water to their parched soul

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I have a dear friend who struggles with a loved one who is a narcissist.

And I’ve written about it here, my four years spent with a narcissist.

But I can only imagine those who spend decades with a narcissist.

Or who has a parent - or a child - who is a narcissist.

That term, ‘narcissist’ is one we toss around a lot these days.

Much like ‘trauma’ - but - though we all can be a bit narcissistic at points, selfish and self-centered.

But there’s a difference between being narcissistic and being a narcissist - someone who has a psychological disorder, of narcissistic personality disorder. (NPD)

Those with NPD can be downright sadistic, evil, manipulative.

They can also be very charismatic and charming, and lure people to them.

They often times lure people in with ‘love bombing’ and then gradually, slowly and methodically, they erode your sense of self worth.

It’s so small and so incremental, that we don’t even realize it’s happening.

The problem is that people can’t really understand what a narcissist is capable of, until you’ve been gutted to your very being by a narcissist.

And again, I could rebuild myself, but it was very hard. And the ending, the betrayal implosion, was very dramatic. Surreal and traumatic.

But many of us can’t believe that another person is capable of that - of truly being that diabolical, that evil, that potentially self-serving and hurt but hurtful to others.

I don’t blame them.

I didn’t also believe that they could be this way.

That’s why we stay, often times.

That’s why we give them the benefit of the doubt.

That’s why we empathize and see the wounded inner children.

That’s why we give and give and give -

Until we snap or crumble.

And then - much like double-victimization, is because people don’t believe us.

There are no physical scars.

There are a lot of blaming the victim -

But it’s important to remember, narcissists draw to them the givers, those likely for co-dependency; they strategically trauma-bond, and so when we give and give and give - we wrap up our identity in them.

I was thinking about this the other day because I saw a post on instagram the other day, that spoke to this.

The author narrated how lonely and isolating and painful the recovery path of a narcissistic abuse survivor can be.

Because many of them 'are not believed’ for what they endured.

Narcissists also are notorious for being especially kind to others outside the family. So they play/perform social etiquette and kindness often. So, others outwardly cannot believe that they are that person, abusing and misbehaving and acting like that.

It boggles the mind.

But, as someone who lived through that, it still boggles mine.

It is incredibly challenging for me to understand how the hurt and trauma and woundedness of someone - as a child - could morph into a psychological condition where they lacked empathy and were so manipulative and abusive to others, with such grandeur and sense of entitlement and ‘specialness’ about themselves.

I frequently talk to my friend, who has a narcissist in her life as well -

We just can’t understand how the traumatized child has become the abuser, especially after they too endured the abuse.

It’s also hard because you do get a glimpse of their humanity. There’s manipulation and lies, so it’s hard to separate them, when you realize this in hindsight, but it is also true that you experience so, so many moments where you think -

If I could only help them, or reach them, if I stick it out - it’ll get better -

It will eventually return to that amazing stage at the beginning of the relationship.

This also is intentional.

Love-bombing to draw you in. In relationships.

The intentional Breadcrumbing.

Indoctrinated/Programmed to keep coming back for those teent-tiny, little morsels.

Relationships are transactional for narcissists. It’s entirely about what I can gain/get from them.

I look back on my relationship with my narc, and how much times I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt - how often I’ve listened to others give the benefit of the doubt for their narc.

And usually, these are people with incredibly large hearts.

I understand why they do this.

But it’s heart-breaking how you see them disappearing or diminishing under the wants and needs and largeness that are the narc’s needs.

They have learned to re-center them - time and time again -

So they do. Even in conversations, even when you ask them what they think -

These are abusive relationships. And much like ones we may think more severe - like physical, sexual, financial -

They have long-lasting effects on the survivors.

It often leads to diagnoses of cPTSD - complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You have lived in a perpetual state of attack for so long, it literally reshapes your brain and alters your hormonal function in the body.

And some - if you have a narc in your family, as a parent, this isn’t a period of your life -

This is the norm.

And unlearning and relearning how to focus/center yourself and grow and forgive yourself can be incredibly challenging lessons.

I understand we shouldn’t go around issuing diagnoses, I used to say that too - about someone who labeled my brother as a narc.

But you know what, I was wrong - he may very well have been one, in his home life.

There’s a difference also when someone has done their homework - to study the disorder, it’s often so illuminating and a lifeboat thrown your way, because you finally understand that -

1-You’re not crazy.

2-They have a problem

3-Their responses are textbook and very predictable.

But you don’t see it at all at first.

Once pointed out, you can’t un-see it.

But you still have to rebuild yourself.

Narcissistic abuse survivors have been through some shit.

Be kind.

Don’t contribute to double-victimization of any of abuse survivor -

Ie - why didn’t they leave?

Ie - they have some good qualities too.

Ie - I don’t know about that…I’ve never seen that side of them…

Now, it is true that those who attract and keep narcissists around often times do need therapy and have unhealthy traits that draw narcs in - but before they can address them, they need healing, not shaming.

They need to be seen and legitimized, validated.

Extending benefit of the doubt to narcissistic abuse survivors feels a bit like giving someone who is parched, who feels like they’re dying of thirst - a drink of water.

Because, remember - trauma survivors and those with cPTSD and CPTSD - of any kind of trauma - it makes you feel deeply ashamed (ie - this is my fault) and godforesaken.

You can be their tonic.

Or, you can judge and you really should not - especially if you have never experienced prolonged exposure to someone who is a narcissist.