The Givers and the Takers

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash

Have you ever seen that social media post that says something along the lines of:

“The givers must learn limits because the takers rarely do.”

I was thinking about that today as I reflected on so often within unhealthy and toxic relationships where there is one person who gives and gives and the other person takes and takes. In healthier relationships, certainly we all go through stages where there is an imbalance, but, eventually, it evens out after a period.

And then, there are the other examples where it never seems to do so.

I paused and thought about this today as I considered how often ‘takers’ are rarely aware of how much they take from the givers. I also have been surprised by how much takers seem to over-estimate their contributions of giving, something especially prevalent with those who have narcissistic personality disorder and other personality disorders.

Granted, anyone in a mental health crisis (or really, any period of crisis in life, period), but especially at a period of shaky mental health, we do tend to get a bit unhealthy and selfish. We take more than we give when we are not well, mentally.

I saw this behavior modeled in my parents. My father, the one catered to, the entitled, the spoiled child. The alcoholic, which inevitably made it about his concerns and needs. Raised in a generation and in a family, where he was “special” as he came along later in life, to a mother who didn’t think she could have children. Then lost her other son and husband, then my dad became all the more important to her. He was raised in a patriarchal society, got my mother who was told from so many that she was lucky to have him, someone who was traumatized and abandoned. And as women did in the 70’s, in the rural and conservative area where I’m from, she catered to him.

My brother saw such behavior modeled. He also became a taker, entitled. From my mother. From his family and relationship.

It’s interesting to me now, as I reflect back on the mental states of both my father and my brother. I do believe there was undiagnosed and treated trauma, but also, I wonder, if there were other personality disorders or mental illnesses. Both clearly exhibited narcissistic behaviors and extreme depression with highs and lows, that seems to have mimicked a bipolar disorder. Both had some pretty low self-worth and sense of self-esteem, after losing jobs or marriages, etc.

Co-dependents and those who have seen enablers and model that behavior, when we are traumatized and abandoned and have lower self worth, we tend to be the givers.

I have certainly exhibited these behaviors as well, in my previous relationship.

An important part of getting therapy with somatic healing is to develop a secure attachment within myself.

The more I have, the more I realize how much shit I have put up with, allowed myself to put up with, in previous relationships. The more I’ve given, where others have taken, though it was never enough.

I am glad I am a giver, however, rather than a taker. I am glad that I know generosity. And even when my default is to hurt myself and not others. I am thankful because I know that since I give well to others, I also know that I can learn to give to myself. And I have. I am.

I am glad that I don’t have to learn to share or to be kind and giving to others, to think about others. Some people are so hopelessly self absorbed.

I will admit, I struggle to recognize that behavior as anything but selfish, but it’s not that simple. I know I am fortunate not to have a personality disorder, to have had therapy, a willingness and ability to both pay and do the work, to become more mentally healthy. For relationships to/with others. And most importantly, for myself.

It is perhaps an over-generalization, but in my experiences it is largely true, that women do tend to do better with the giving than with the taking. I certainly know and can think of exceptions. But, it only makes sense. We are taught within a patriarchal society to cater to men, to our relationships, as partners, wives, mothers, daughters.

I realize now, though, that I reap the benefits of this because of my amazing mother. And my giving and loving women friendships. And, most importantly, the giving and loving relationship that I have learned to have with myself.

I grow less and less tolerant to welcome into my life those who are only interested in taking. And I remember: my lesson: to give also [should] include yourself^.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash