Toxic Shame: Narcissist, BPD, those with SUD, etc
I’m re-reading this book, Healing the Shame that binds, as a I revise a paper on rhetorics of trauma in teaching.
I have read it before because I am interested in how shame sits within a trauma survivors and manifests - it becomes intertwined with the sense of self.
So, it’s a really hard part of grappling with trauma.
It is no longer an emotion - a part of me.
But shame - is my identity - it is my negative self-perception and view.
But many people struggle with shame. Even if/when they don’t talk about it.
Perhaps especially when they don’t talk about it.
I was thinking about this today because I was listening to a short clip from a podcast episode with Dr. Brene Brown. I’ve heard her say it before but she reminded us the truth, the real exposure of narcissists.
Remember, they are grandiose, and they outwardly appear to love themselves and have a very high degree of self-regard.
But, internally, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
Bradshaw writes, “Toxic shame, with its more than human/less than human grandiosity, is a problem involving the denial of human finitude” (p. 237).
He also reminds us that “shame as the core and fuel of all addiction” (p. 15). Isn’t that interesting?
We are all just grappling with shame, those of us who have developed alcoholism or other substance abuse disorders.
Dr. Brene Brown also reminds us:
“Do you know the narcissism is the most shame-based of the personality disorders? It is not about self love, at all. It is about grandiosity, driven by high performance and self hatred. You know I define it as the shame-faced fear of being ordinary.”
The over-compensation can lead us to think otherwise.
But, after having been with a narcissist, and also with a friend whose parent it is a narcissist-
The delusions and grandiosity are all lies they tell themselves and try to perform really well.
But it’s all done to cover up the shame.
It’s not because they love themselves.
No, it’s because they are deeply, deeply fearful that they are so average that they will be overlooked, unloved, and a dime-a-dozen.
I consider this when I think about the stories they tell themselves.
My ex believed the following:
1-He was especially attractive.
2-He was especially good-looking.
3-He was very funny.
4-He was destined for success, like to be a mega-millionaire.
5-That he was especially loved by God.
Oh, and that he wouldn’t die. I guess he thought himself immortal.
I think #5 was always my favorite.
Because, as someone who believes in God, I can certainly get on board with that.
But - aren’t we all especially loved by the Creator?
Why are you specially singled out?
But he believed that - God knows me, loves me, has a plan for me.
Again, all great stuff—as someone who knows God and loves Him, I concur-
But what he really meant was” loved [more than] others.” That was what was implied, but never directly stated. That was the core of the hoped for internal belief.
But - again, driving all of this juvenile over-compensation is really
Because- you’re shamed of yourself.
Bradshaw calls shame “the sickness of the soul (p. 3).
While shame can be nourishing, he also points out that shame can also be toxic. It divides us from others and even may cause us to disown ourselves (p. 3).
Many who have trauma have shame.
Many who have addiction have shame.
Many who have some mental illness—in a society where it is still so heavily stigmatized—also have a lot of shame.
Shame is often the belief that we are separate from others and irredeemable.
Unremarkable.
It’s interesting isn’t that—that someone who ashamed can be so cruel to others.
But it’s not the only personality disorder that is a tight ball of shame - so are those with borderline personality disorder. They also wrestle with a distorted self perception that cause strain on their relationships as well.
We all have fears of I’m not worthy enough, that I will never be worthy enough.
It’s fascinating that we can let the shame run rampant within us. And take over.
Isn’t it all just insecurity? Fear of my imperfection? That I am deeply flawed? Hopelessly, irredeemably flawed?
Indeed, you are.
But we all are.
Yet, some of us seem to carry around this armor of a shell - shamed that this is my identity, others do not.
But, when you grapple with shame - I will say, it creates a lot of discomfort not only in how you think and move through life, but the very way you exist and talk to yourself.
Shame - if it’s something you grapple with, it’s worth considering and unraveling within you.