Vulnerability in Date Conversations

and my Family's History

My ex partner used what happened to me against me—while chasing his new pursuit and explaining why he helped me move to Minnesota.

I often times sit with that.

And now, I juxtapose it with someone I’ve met on elitesingles who received the news about my family and my story with kindness and warmth and understanding.

I believe in sharing my story, not only for mental health advocacy and de-stigmatizing suicide survivors, depression and mental health.

I also firmly believe that if you own your stories, what has happened to you as well as the mistakes that you have made, then no one can use them against you/ hurt you (at least as deeply) because you’ve already owned them.

However—

There is still that moment…that moment of raw fear. That point where you realize that others may reject you without knowing you because of something you did not choose and cannot control.

In that moment—all of the work that I have done on myself feels momentarily at jeopardy, potentially inconsequential, to how this person will view me. I know that it is not. But—

A lot of people don’t understand mental illness and project a lot onto it. And two suicides is a lot. I certainly understand that.

But—when conversing with someone who listened attentively and sincerely thanked me for my vulnerability and openness, believing that it would make our relationship that we could/would build stronger, I cannot begin to describe how touched I felt. Grateful. I got tears in my eyes.

For someone that I don’t know well to express that kindness, that warm support and acceptance, my whole body relaxed. Regardless of what happens with our relationship, I realize the depth of emotional maturity that some men do have and what my previous partner and relationship was lacking.

I also realize that as much as bearing one’s one soul is terrifying, it is the only way to make any lasting friendship and relationship to work. To remove the mask.

Again, in this way, I realize that those with NPD and other personality disorders often do not/cannot remove the masks. They are too insecure and shame-filled. I caught glimpses before the performance was back and projection/deflection. This obviously clouds their ability to have truly genuine relationships.

I am reminded of Brene Brown’s teachings and the power in being vulnerability, as the reoccurring themes in our lives.

The perhaps deeply ironic part is that it when we do demonstrate vulnerability it often leads us to a greater sense of belonging. I would argue both for self and in relationships.

I’m so thankful I’ve learned that. As my best friend said at the end of my relationship—

”The difference is, Danielle, you’ll be able to love again. He won’t.”

I will take my bruised and broken heart. Because my capacity to grow and then still feel, have relationships, and still care for others over self, is something that makes my life worthwhile and meaningful.