“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”
~Mark Twain
I thought about this today as my best friend said to me in a chat that we need an emoji for blowing your brains out.
I made one through the head exploding emoji plus the gun emoji.
Given what happened with my dad and brother, this could seem really dark. This raw humor.
And it is.
But also, it is a survival mechanism.
I realized early on, after my completed suicide, just how many references there were to people killing themselves or blowing their brains out. I could crumble at them, or reclaim them and use them myself, lessening their power against me and my situation.
It also evolved because
My best friend would retort and say, “ugh, blow my brains out” in regards to some situation. Then, she would roll her eyes, realize her blunder and say damnit, realizing the implications of saying that to me.
My students would often say, “That makes me want to kill myself.”
Now, I’m all for recognizing peoples’ sensitivities, with content and trigger warnings. I’m not saying that any of the above is great to use around people who you don’t know.
Because we don’t know how many people have a loved one who blew their brains out. We don’t know who wants to or has tried to kill themselves.
But also, suicides are a part of life for so many of us. Wanting to die is a reality that many of us grapple with.
While it all has disclaimers and greatly depends on the context, and with whom you’re sharing this with, I also think that—
If we don’t find some ways to talk about it—the unspeakable in life— and even joke about it, then we can’t lighten it….and in doing that (or rather, failing to do that), perhaps we give it all the more power over us, especially where grave matters like suicides, suicide ideation, and depression, are concerned. After all, they already have enough seriousness and weight over us—especially those of us who have experienced them, with people dying or for those of us who have battled with the idea or reality of self-harm, wanting to die.
We laugh sometimes to release tension, to lower the pressure valve. We laugh at the inappropriate times to deal with all the brutality and heartache that it is, in essence, life.
I know many would judge me for this. Perhaps you do, dear.
I know how insensitive it sounds, joking about blowing your brains out, as my friend and I often do. When my brother and my dad did just that.
Somehow though, I think they would appreciate it, where they are now, at peace. Removed from bodily and earthly despair.
And you know…I also think this—if this is part of my survival mechanism, and you haven’t had a family member who has done that, I don’t think you get a vote in the matter. Until you have a parent and sibling who has exited this life, I am really not all that interested in your advice for how to, or how not to, cope.
Psychologists back this, claiming that we have dark humor to release negative emotions as a way of dealing and managing the crap in life, these grave situations like death, or other horrific tragedies in life, like rape.
I was recently told about a lady who has therapy and a support group to address her sexual assault experience and she refers to it as a her ‘cooter therapy.’
We all have ways we deal.
Life is just…fucking hard.
And humor is a tool we can use to address the pain, the sorrow. When we can laugh about something—even dark things—together, the horror and pain and tragedy and heartache that is life’s brutal nature, dissipates a little.