When words don't match the actions
Who are you trying to fool? Me or yourself?
Talk is cheap.
Trust actions, not words.
We hear these phrases or some other similar saying, frequently.
I know these phrases to be true and yet, oh how I often forget them. So many times I’ve been burned for taking people at their words.
Some of it is my too trusting nature, but I also think some of it is that I a Rhetorician, a wordsmith. I prize words. I put a lot of thought into word choices in what I say and write. And so I (mistakenly) think that others do as well.
But not all do.
I have to remember, as old House used to frequently say on his show-
“People lie.”
I don’t even think that they always do so consciously. (Although perhaps that’s my overly trusting nature again and that many mean to lie more often than I realize or want to admit.)
Sure, I think many do so maliciously and to be intentionally deceiving, but I also think that—many of us are pretty self-delusional. We like to believe things about ourselves that are untrue all the time:
How often do we lie to ourselves as well?
1-I’m paying for my gym membership so I’ll go and work out regularly at the gym.
2-I’ll lose those 10 pounds to fit into those pants again.
3-I’ll finally clean out that drawer or closet this weekend.
We so tell these lies about who we are and what we’ll accomplish, even though we have all sorts of evidence to suggest otherwise.
I have experienced this frequently in communication with men in dating:
Sure, I’m a great communicator. (said the one who ghosted)
I’m interested in doing everything with my partner—(said the one who was so completely self-focused and entirely fixated on work); I thought—who are you really trying to fool?
I’m interested in self-growth. (said the narcissist who blamed and manipulated, rewrote history to evade any degree of accountability. And, of course, only when we accept our own limitations can we actually grow.)
“I am a really bad liar,” said a lawyer I once went out with. I made a hoke about this, but was intrigued, that he may not live out the common stereotype of the able to lie and dishonest attorney, only to later learn that he had had an affair and moved his family across the country, but never told his wife about it and she never knew.
People lie.
Oh, the lies. So many lies.
Not to portray myself on a soapbox, as I too lie and have lied before, or misrepresented myself or the reality of the situation.
Mine mostly fall into these categories:
I can’t talk right now. ( = I don’t want to talk.)
I don’t feel well. (=I’m too depressed to engage with you.)
I can’t get together tonight. (=I really want to relax and veg out, alone.)
I know that I’ve also perpetuated harm onto others, not living out my own words, lying to others as well. I am not immune from this.
Now—I know we all fool ourselves. Tell ourselves little lies to get through the day, about who we are, what we do, what we’ll accomplish, what we’re capable of, etc.
When I win the lottery, I’ll—-
When I become a millionaire, I’ll—-
When I marry rich, I’ll—-
These little lies can be big as— here’s this big long list items I’ll do today, to a bad habit we’re going to break.
We’re all such inconsistent, fallible beings.
Inconsistent actions and lies told, time and again, can be so hurtful and so damaging. Betraying others trust, and hurting friendships, destroying relationships—
As most of us do it, to varying degrees, perhaps the thing to question is our intent. Do we aim to protect others feelings? Are we even considerate that we may be hurting others? Or more interested in protecting ourselves and carrying through with the lie?
Perhaps we also need to give each other more grace sometimes, to make it an open and safe space for when we do ‘come clean’ from our lies.
If we don’t want to encourage lies then I guess we also have to be more honest while also working to make telling the truth a safer place. That can be hard to do. But I see no other way around it.
Still, regardless, some will lie. Not to sound too cynical, but I guess it is—in some ways—human nature.