Ghosting

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about men who ghost after close connections, dating, relationships—they just go completely AWOL.

I don’t understand this and so I have even read some articles on the psychology behind why people/men do this—emotional immaturity, get busy and “forget,” don’t know how to communicate that they want things to end or think things won’t work out, so they avoid tough conversations.

I am personally invested in this and was curious about it since this past fall I started ‘dating’ someone. He assured me from our first conversations that he communicated well (because I said this was something that I was seeking in a partner, in a relationship, that this was a non-negotiable.)

Then, he ghosted me and dropped off all communication.

Ohhh, indeed, the thick, dripping irony of that is not lost on me.

I’ve been ghosted before but not after such extensive communication with someone I had a close connection with and could talk for hours and hours. We did so for a few months, though we lived far from one another, which was why it was so jarring. Investing that much time in another only to completely go AWOL.

It has made me think about the reasons why people (especially men, in my case) do this, just completely drop off the planet, especially after all the praise and flattery, assuring you that they care about you and can’t imagine life without you.

What’s the point?

I am well aware that men say a lot of shit to convince another that they are worth it, to get them to stick around, portraying themselves as better than they truly are. They illustrate themselves to be who they think the girl wants them to be, to lure them in, or even perhaps they illustrate themselves to be who wish they were, but are not.

It also made me think about my too trusting heart, and how I esteem words, trusting someone and taking them at their word and how wrong and misled that can be…that I have been. And chastising myself—will I never learn.

After being ghosted—I was deeply hurt and frustrated; I wondered—how difficult is it to send a follow-up e-mail to communicate that circumstances have changed? That they are no longer interested? That they can’t pursue a relationship, as what I would think any mature adult would do?

Ah, but, I have learned.

I am wiser now. I will be more guarded in the future, to protect my heart.

When I decide to date again.

But that won’t be for awhile.

But the truth is—experiences such as these, with ones who I had ‘vetted’ also cast quite the shadow of doubt on myself; why I attract men who are so emotionally immature and inconsistent, liars in who they show themselves to be.

After men let me down, which has been frequently in recent years, and in times like these, I also re-evaluate my stance; and my allegiance shifts to other women. I forewarn other women—as I did after the betrayal of my ex. People who don’t want to be on social media—now for obvious reasons—end up there.

Women have gotten smart. They post on social media to learn if there are any “tea” to help other women not to get hurt the way they have. I am thankful such sites exist. I certainly have done my best to communicate to other women so they won’t end up in similar instances.