"He'll regret it one day..."

nah, he's a narcissist, so not really

Photo by Tikkho Maciel on Unsplash

I had a lot of conversations with Lyft drivers when I was traveling in New Orleans.

One lady and I got to talking about previous relationships. Then how we both had mutual experiences with cheating exes. How—in her words—one woman was never enough.

I relayed my story with my ex and our shared history, how I cared for his daughter for years, my relationship with his family, etc.

I told him how his ex reached out to me, his double-life revealed.

She tried to reassure me by saying, “He’ll regret it one day.”

I didn’t protest, but, in my head I thought—

Hah. No, he won’t.

I used to think that way too, at the beginning, by way of trying to comfort myself.

But the truth is—

He won’t. Narcissists won’t.

Because they are incapable of regrets and being truly sorry.

To truly regret means they need to see their own fault in something, have some accountability, and own up to their part in a failed relationship or disloyalty and cheating. Their own errors.

But they are unable/unwilling to do so.

Narcissists will even rewrite history to avoid any culpability.

Or, yes, I did something wrong, but—-here’s what you did too. What you did that drove me to it. Because you were wrong too, etc. etc.

They. can. never. be. just. Sorry.

This realization felt icky, certainly, at first. Of course, it did.

After all, who wouldn’t want to be missed? To have someone regret how they treated you? Someone you devoted years to and loved and were loyal to?

But no regret, those are the tactics of the narcissist.

I find it hard to explain adequately to people who don’t have experience with narcissists, but even more jarring and alarming to me was not that my ex cheated on me but his behavior and cruelty when being found out, but his attempts at evasion when caught, when presented with indisputable proof, that he was leading a double life.

Those actions and lack of regret or care that he had hurt both me and his new chickie are what really taught me he was a narcissist.

So, no, my narcissist ex will not, ever, regret his actions. I don’t believe so, I don’t think him capable. But that says much more about him than it does about the fact that I’m not miss-able.

He will tell his next one, his fresh catch, that his exes were crazy. He will create a narrative in which he will be the victim in the story of his past relationships.

But, for me, in some ways, knowing all of this, is all the more reassuring to me:

I don’t feel better because he will regret what he did to me.

I feel better because I finally was able to break free from an abusive relationship and understand that some people are beyond self-reflection and accountability to ever be sorry.

I could regret not exiting that relationship sooner, but, instead, I’ll just say—

I don’t regret it ending.

I am happy it did.

And I regret that some people believe themselves above any culpability or accountability.

The-but-I’m always-the victim-because-I’m entitled-to-special-treatment. The true victim.

Those sorts will always baffle me.