The Dangers of Narcissists

Who they are, what they do

In the twenty-first century, we toss that word ‘narcissist’ around a lot - when someone is being selfish, when we are, or when we think we’re being self-centered, or vain, or self-focused.

And we’re all guilty of those things at times, at some points more than others.

But, a true ‘narcissist’ is so much more.

Someone with narcissist personality disorder is an emotionally stunted person. They have undergone trauma and have never evolved since a young age, so they are incredibly emotionally mature.

They are wounded. (So many are tempted to deeply feel for them, their pain because of this— the empaths, the nurturers, the co-dependents, those with low self-esteem or someone else who is also wounded and then they trauma bond with the narcissist in a relationship.)

But also, the narcs develop recognizable patterns in their sexual relationships, and their abusive and explotive patterns unfold in their relationships.

The first stage is the love-bombing. They’re charismatic. There is a high, the chemistry, the sex, the bond, the attraction, the friendship. It’s all so amazing. You can’t even describe it, it’s so good - you can’t believe it - you’ve won the jackpot. Life’s amazing.

This is intentional, precise, tactical.

They are luring you in. They are masking and performing.

Because 1- they need the attention and the supply. They usually aim high; they are trying to level up, to compensate for their mediocrity and feelings of insecurity and inferiority.

Over time, they start to wear you down, like erosion. So subtle, over time you don’t even realize that it’s happening.

But you start to feel beaten down and are constantly trying to get back to that time at the beginning when things were great.

That is also intentional.

Narcissists display the following emotionally manipulative and emotionally immature tactics in their relationship dynamics:

1-avoid any accountability that they did things wrong

2-accuse you of being the narcissist or selfish

3-play the victim—woe is me.

4-intentionally talk above you, around you, in circles, dizzyingly so you can’t keep up

5-rewrite history

6-blame you, or something else, or someone else, at all costs

Finally, one of the things that was most helpful for me to learn about narcissists was this -

“With narcissists, all accusations are confessions.”

Truly, though, narcissists at their core, will only look out for themselves.

They also see relationships as transactional - as in, what can I get from them and when they see something else or someone else better, then they’re done using you, then they’re on to another.

This is because they need an emotional supply to feed their sense of self worth. And they want to level up with the best possible option for them.

Narcissists do not evolve in their own sense of self/being in growth.

They do not seek therapy and when they do, they blame the therapist —the problem is them as to why it’s not working.

Or they weaponize therapy so that they blame their partner or spouse; this is because to engage in real therapy requires confronting self and being accountable to our shortcomings and working towards change.

They also lack empathy; they can be cruel and biting. Because when it comes down to it, they are looking out for themselves.

They can’t/won’t discipline small children; because the only way they show love is through love-bombing, or -

When children get older and are competition, they see them as an enemy and cut them down.

But they love when children are mini-me versions, when they look like them. (Vanity)

The other fascinating thing about narcissists is that—with partners and children—they want them to make the narc look good -

But not too good.

Because the fragile ego comes into place.

So, for example, I was sought out because I was educated and smart, but I could also be cut down because of that, eventually, I didn’t make enough money or he had to put his own intelligence or area of expertise above mine.

Or, I was sought out because he found me attractive, but if I appeared more attractive to some than him or people pointed out I looked good, especially men, that would cause all hell to break loose and threaten their fragile ego.

Ie-I want you to be good, but not better than me.

And in moments of fragile ego and insecurity, I’ll cut you down.

It’s a mindfuck. The no-win situation with a narcissist.

Then there are some weird things - like walking in front of the partner, so they can’t keep up, or that they like bigger houses or cars, so they can look down on others.

Really basic: such petty, mediocre stuff.

They don’t come right out and say —I’m so small I need to feel big in stupid, silly, trivial ways, but at their inner core, this drives them.

It’s amazing how people who can be so wounded as children can turn so vicious.

But it is an important lesson for us all -

If you don’t do the work to heal, you can be vicious, incredibly destructive, ameliorating other people.

But at their core: they are not happy people themselves; they have low-self esteem, inferiority, and are very mediocre. They know it. They hate it.

So there are false narratives, grandeur and delusions - My narcissist believed all of the following:

1-I’m immortal

2-I’m especially loved by God (aren’t we all? Why are you specially unique?)

3-I’m attractive

4-I’m smart

5-I’m destined to be rich—a millionaire, I’ll get all the success

Some of us have a few of those. To have all of them was pretty incredible.

Delusional and self-righteous, arrogant and entitled.

They are dangerous people in relationships, to children, and they are emotionally immature people in adult bodies.

They need constant validation and praise; even lying about their reputation, popularity, realities, etc.

Finally, I’ll say this -Some pretend very well, and unless you get close to them as in share a home with them, you will probably not know a person is a narcissist, and you may think they’re a great person.

Again - the charisma, the performative kindness - they want to be seen as a good guy, etc.

As many as 6-7 percent of the population are narcs, so 6-7/100 people could be one.

Of course, I’m sure it’s higher because many are likely undiagnosed, again, they aren’t exactly seeking our therapy.

And some of them even lead countries.