As you write narcissistic behaviour is someone stuck in an anxious nervous state due to trauma.
They fear the attention when it wanders away from them. They fear abandonment, feeling invisible and unloved. They evolve manipulative and clever ways often subconsciously to maintain the attention on themselves. Everyone else ends up feeling small and less worthy of attention unless they’re aware of these behaviours and the underlying emotions that drive them.
We need to be aware of these behaviours so we can protect ourselves and manage the relationship. We need to judge if we want them in our lives or not.
With a trauma-informed lens there will be goodness there too under the anxiety so it’s emotionally connecting to that isn’t it whilst protecting ourselves?
I think it depends on whether the person who has been abused by the narcissist must or wants to stay in the relationship. I do agree that those with narcissism are tremendously wounded people; however, they are also abusers/perpetuating a lot of manipulative and emotional abuse onto others, because of their wounds and trauma. That is not an excuse. Many of us stay in those relationships, because we care, we can see their wounds, and because we're beaten down by their abuse. I did for years. I know others who have for a lot, lot longer, and it wears down your sense of self worth because the tactics are cruel.
I think that, ultimately, if a traumatized, narcissist person fails to take any accountability for the abuse they perpetuate onto others, then, yes, they may be traumatized, but that doesn't absolve them of their abusive nature. They remain dangerous to other people in long-term relationships if they fail to address their trauma. From what I've read from those who specialize in NPD, they indicate that they rarely seek genuine help, accept any accountability and therapy, to be genuinely helped for their condition.
To me, this/they are a prime example of -- The wound may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility, so as not to perpetuate further harm. People who have had a narcissist in their lives
I also think we need to be very careful in holding space for 'both sides' regarding this issue -- specifically with narcissist abuse survivors. Because sometimes, in over-identifying/feeling too much for the wounded narcissist - we can also inadvertently dismiss narcissistic abuse, and that's double victimization, and slightly ironic - because that is exactly what a narcissist does in their narcissistic and emotionally abuse of their survivors/victims (rewriting history, evading accountability, gaslighting).
In my experience the traumatised person with narcissistic behaviours in an anxious nervous state is unable to access self awareness and even consider therapy so it’s a very challenging situation for anyone involved in this kind of relationship.
I’m sorry if you or anyone else has suffered this kind of relationship.
Thank you, though, Piata, for bringing this up because I think we encounter a lot of emotionally immature people with narcissistic traits who are not always people with NPD - narcissistic personality disorder. Sometimes it's hard to ascertain between the two. The way it was explained to me is that all narcissists are emotionally immature but not all emotionally immature persons are (full blown NPD) narcissists. <3 It's an important distinction.
As you write narcissistic behaviour is someone stuck in an anxious nervous state due to trauma.
They fear the attention when it wanders away from them. They fear abandonment, feeling invisible and unloved. They evolve manipulative and clever ways often subconsciously to maintain the attention on themselves. Everyone else ends up feeling small and less worthy of attention unless they’re aware of these behaviours and the underlying emotions that drive them.
We need to be aware of these behaviours so we can protect ourselves and manage the relationship. We need to judge if we want them in our lives or not.
With a trauma-informed lens there will be goodness there too under the anxiety so it’s emotionally connecting to that isn’t it whilst protecting ourselves?
I think it depends on whether the person who has been abused by the narcissist must or wants to stay in the relationship. I do agree that those with narcissism are tremendously wounded people; however, they are also abusers/perpetuating a lot of manipulative and emotional abuse onto others, because of their wounds and trauma. That is not an excuse. Many of us stay in those relationships, because we care, we can see their wounds, and because we're beaten down by their abuse. I did for years. I know others who have for a lot, lot longer, and it wears down your sense of self worth because the tactics are cruel.
I think that, ultimately, if a traumatized, narcissist person fails to take any accountability for the abuse they perpetuate onto others, then, yes, they may be traumatized, but that doesn't absolve them of their abusive nature. They remain dangerous to other people in long-term relationships if they fail to address their trauma. From what I've read from those who specialize in NPD, they indicate that they rarely seek genuine help, accept any accountability and therapy, to be genuinely helped for their condition.
To me, this/they are a prime example of -- The wound may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility, so as not to perpetuate further harm. People who have had a narcissist in their lives
I also think we need to be very careful in holding space for 'both sides' regarding this issue -- specifically with narcissist abuse survivors. Because sometimes, in over-identifying/feeling too much for the wounded narcissist - we can also inadvertently dismiss narcissistic abuse, and that's double victimization, and slightly ironic - because that is exactly what a narcissist does in their narcissistic and emotionally abuse of their survivors/victims (rewriting history, evading accountability, gaslighting).
In my experience the traumatised person with narcissistic behaviours in an anxious nervous state is unable to access self awareness and even consider therapy so it’s a very challenging situation for anyone involved in this kind of relationship.
I’m sorry if you or anyone else has suffered this kind of relationship.
Thank you, though, Piata, for bringing this up because I think we encounter a lot of emotionally immature people with narcissistic traits who are not always people with NPD - narcissistic personality disorder. Sometimes it's hard to ascertain between the two. The way it was explained to me is that all narcissists are emotionally immature but not all emotionally immature persons are (full blown NPD) narcissists. <3 It's an important distinction.