The Vanity of Narcissists

and their tactics of abuse

Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on/remember back to how vain this person in my life was, my ex, the narcissist…

I think about this also as I listen to a friend on her healing and educational journey in addressing her narcissistic parent.

I am struck by how incredibly vain and boringly textbook narcissists can be.

Their responses evade any accountability, deflect/project/play victim.

They will often rewrite history for their own agenda, gaslighting to try to make the other feel that they are crazy.

But what I am most struck by is how superficial and obsessed with outer appearances they are—both of their own bodies and fashion and physique but also their dwellings.

My ex-narc easily could criticize my disorganization and lack of cleanliness—and I’ll confess to that-I am not the most orderly person.

But in retrospect, what is so interesting about it is this—you can treat others badly, with emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological abuse, but so long as you look pretty on the outside, then it’s fine.

The focus just becomes on keeping things looking nice—your hair manicured, your truck washed, your clothes fitting just so, muscular arms.

But really—it’s a cop out. That’s because these individuals are shame-filled and insecure and weak, and they know that they have to appear special and their best so ‘keep up appearances’ to earn praise and approval but also so that others won’t be on to them and figure out that underneath this thin veneer; in actuality, there is someone who is incredibly insecure and feels small and so has to over-compensate by creating these false delusions of grandeur. And by abusing and controlling others to give themselves a false sense of security. In this way, they are bullies.

Other narcissists that I have known create this heightened and delusional sense of self importance in entrepreneurial endeavors so that they can feel more puffed up/special. Business cards and signs and logos.

Again, the point is pretty appearances so that others won’t recognize the grime underneath.

I chuckle sometimes and marvel at how blind I chose to me, when I consider that my narc had all of the following. (I give myself grace because I was also traumatized.)

But he truly—

1-Believed himself especially loved by God (but who isn’t? Isn’t the point that we all are?)

2-Believed himself especially attractive.

3-Believed himself especially smart.

4-Believed himself especially destined for success—business endeavors and millionaire-status.

5-Believed himself immortal. (I know, right??!?

It’s fascinating really, the degree, the magnitude of self-delusion.

My friend’s parent has also—since the time she was younger—indoctrinated her with a survivors’ guilt that if/when they die that she would be guilty for her maltreatment of them.

That sounds about as sick as a narcissistic emotional mindfuckery and abuse—they are so anxious about being a Joe-Shmoe and one of us regular mortal beings, dying, that they have to pre-suppose that their influence, power, control, and manipulation over their child will continue on even though they are dead, and completely gone.

Fucked up, isn’t it?

Normal folks usually reserve other positive things into that category—like love that prevails, or one’s spirit or aura or energy.

More benign or peaceful things.

But nope-a narcissist wants to haunt you from the grave.

So afraid of being forgotten. So afraid of being so hopelessly ordinary.

I share because I certainly wish that I had put this together sooner. I knew that my former partner was emotionally immature and lacking in mental/social intelligence but I didn’t really give him the full consideration/credit of someone with NPD-narcissistic personality disorder, until after he was caught in his affair.

Upon being caught, he tried to rewrite history and evade any accountability, blame me for it, pretend it didn’t happen…because of course, narcissists can not/will not accept their own limitations and wrongdoings. They will try to Hoodini act their way out of it whichever way they can.

I don’t think it was until that moment was I really struck in my tracks, sobered and amazed that I had no idea the true heart and character of who I had spent four years with, someone who simply could not accept that they did nothing wrong, even when they had both the former partner and the current girlfriend telling him they had proof and how hurtful and messed up this was.

But then—other women in his life would defend and blame the women. Such is the case in conservative, patriarchal and Christian-led societies. Blame the women. Double-victimization.

His mother even said to me that this [other] girl was not a nice person because she…

what? [scoff] Told me the truth?

Again, one of the things that I have learned is this—abuse survivors often experience de-validation not only from the abusers but from family and others close to them who will ‘side’ with the narc and believe their lies.

Those with NPD really do have sociopathic tendencies, an inability to have empathy and compassion.

It’s easy to feel sorry for them as they have been abused, but they become the abusers. They become the ones for whom a different set of rules applies to them then they would ever accept from others.

That is why those who have narcissism and NPD are so very dangerously harmful.

But, scary enough, they are also insidious. This crap doesn’t come out until 3-4 years later, in a relationship. My friend is middle aged and is only now coming to grips with the fact that her parent has NPD.

They aren’t always vicious. Sometimes they are as sweet and as syrupy as honey. They’re dynamic and magnetic and can give a lot of verbal affection and validation.

We wouldn’t take consistent abuse, many of us. So they erode your sense of self worth and value, slowly, over time. You become groomed to accept less and accept mistreatment. Because you give away little pieces of yourself and your dignity and self worth over time until you look at how unstable your life has become and how unstead you feel.

Or, like with me, when a truly earth-shattering dramatic sense of betrayal has taken place and then you are forced to accept what you have endured and who you are with.

I was devastated and heartbroken when I learned of my narc’s affair.

But I also learned from it.

I learned that this is a mental illness and psychological condition.

The betrayal was so cataclysmic, I knew that to do anything else rather than leave him in my dust would be betrayal of myself and an inability to live with myself.

It is frightening how often these narcs live and walk among us.

Be careful. Be mindful.

Learn their tricks and devious ploys and tactics.

And most importantly, remember that they draw in empaths and those who make themselves look good. They aim high but then they can’t handle how inferior that the other [sometimes will inevitably] make them feel.

So you’ll never win with a narc. You’ll be on a constant day by day yo-yo.

Guard yourselves, dear readers.

They are more prevalent than we would like to admit. They are out there, amongst us.

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Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash